Forgetting Who I Am

A friend wrote something to me today…
She asked me a good question…
She asked me if i write what i write.. because i want people who were or are like me.. to know, they aren’t alone..
The answer is simple.. Yes.
To this day I do not know what would become of me if i didn’t have a few people in my life..
……I don’t know how many times i’ve felt alone… and being alone is one of the worst feelings someone can have.
We have all felt it. It eats at you. Tells you that you aren’t good enough. Strong enough. Smart enough… Its a disease that gets inside you and can only be cured by company of laughter.

Over the weekend i watched a show.. “Into the Wild”
If any of you have seen it, its a great show. If you haven’t seen it.. go get it now..
A boy gets out of the world and into the wilderness.. away from everything and everyone.. I think its a great way to find out who you are.. his dislike for money and material things was healthy.. but his view of relationships was anything but..
At the end he writes something amazing..
He says..
Happiness only means something if its shared…
Those words hit me bigtime..
I have started this book in hopes to let people out there.. like me.. who struggle with finding who they are.. know that they AREN’T alone..
Cause sometimes… thats how you just feel.. you can’t help it.. but hopefully my words can change that.

I’ve wanted my book to hit people deep in their heart.. in dark places they have never wanted to talk about.. all the way to light places that they wish they could scream to the world.
I pray that you aren’t alone..
But if you ever feel that way.. just know, that Tag is right there with ya

Her hand slowly glances across her face as her finger tips glide her hair to rest behind her ear. She giggles into her morning coffee, and as her lips are tasting her morning fix, her mind is stuck on the local newspaper that is set before her.
As she finishes her cup and grabs her keys her mind wanders to her old home. She can still smell the country air, clean, pure, the sounds of the wind through her chimes ring clear in her memory. How she misses that place, how she misses her father.
It’s been 12 years now since he passed.
She remembers sitting in the living room with him, unwrapping her favorite candy while they both watch the evening programs. Memorys like that were too much like a commercial and almost perfect enough to paint on a postcard. She turns up the corner of her mouth as she recalls his funny questions and games that they would play on the way to school in order to pass the time. To this day no one can beat her at “name that tune.”
As she begins to unlock her car door, her bare ring finger reminds her that the only thing that will miss her as shes as work, is Teddy,  her pet fish. She opens her door and sits down in her car. She grabs her rear view mirror and twists it til she can look into her own eyes.
Moments turn to seconds as she deeply evaluates the image in the mirror. She knows the answers to all her own questions but she refuses to aknowlege the problem.  Silence fills the car until she reaches her destination. She looks back into her mirror and mumbles a sentance of encouragement.
She wishes she could go back. She misses her old room and working in the garden.
“Why” she asks out loud…
“You’re such an idiot” she mumbles as she glances one last time in the mirror..
Her hand hesitantly opens her door, she steps out, and begins to walk away. Above her remains a cloud of doubt lined in regret.
As she stumbles into her 9 to 5.. She sighs with a sound of desperation…
I guess when you try too hard to pursue a life, life just passes you by..

Sometimes in life, we are faced with making a decision. Sometimes these decisions can be really confusing. This decision isn’t between right or wrong.. its not between good and bad, but a decision of where we want to stand as a person. When we are faced with this, this isn’t us being challenged to answer a question but instead more of a challenge to face a fear.

So.. what do you fear?

See.. me? I fear losing a friend. Hell, a guy in my situation fears losing anyone. Friends come and go for most people. But when you’re in my situation. You tend to cling on to whomever you can see helping you get out of this mess you call a life.

So what do you fear? what do you hold so true to yourself that you fear exposing it to the world? What do you wish others could know, but fear telling them?

I think we are all scared of something. Sometimes fear can lead us to comfort.. but comfort can lead to failure.

So sometimes i believe it is REQUIRED of us to push through something we fear. Sometimes when we push.. we find ourselves doing something that we never thought we’d do…. we find ourselves looking deep into someones eyes that we just met. Looking so deep that they feel it… will you scare them away?
Who knows… but all you can control is your actions to your fears..
what are you afraid of?
Why?
Why not take your fear of heights to the top of the building… and throw them over the edge.. maybe.. just maybe.. you’ll see what life is all about

Wow..
This will be post number One-Hundred and Fifty…
I guess now I can turn back and reflect on the past three and a half years of writing.. Now is a perfect time for feed back.
Text me, email me… let me know what you liked, disliked and why.. I love getting ideas and help with what I write. So feel free to open your mouth and speak.. I promise I will listen…
So good or bad.. I’d love to hear what you have thought about this so far…
Thanks for reading…
Tag

The other day I heard someone say, “if you don’t support our President and our troops you are un-American.”

 

Ok… get ready for angry Tycen to make his presence be felt.

 

Un-American? Are you shitting me? Has the country seriously started to be THIS brain washed?  I don’t care if you’re Democrat, Republican, Independent or if you could give a shit less… YOU have the right to an opinion.

 

I remember a couple years back the Dixie Chicks got a bad wrap for saying, “Just so you know, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas,” Hell, Natalie, I’ll take your words even farther. I’M ASHAMED HE’S THE PRESIDENT OF THIS COUNTRY, I’M ASHAMED OUR CITIZENS ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO VOTE SUCH A DUMB ASS INTO OFFICE AND I’M ASHAMED TO BE AN AMERICAN.

 

I don’t care who hears me, I don’t care if the FBI puts me under investigation (for those of you who know the story… lol.. for those of you that don’t… I’ll post later)

Being an American should mean what it ment when this country began, BACK WHEN WE HAD BRAINS OPPERATING OUR GOVERNMENT.  The writers of the constitution didn’t want followers, they didn’t want to build a brain washed society, they wanted a country to govern itself, they wanted new ideas and new ways to do things to come to the front on a constant basis. They made the constitution open for change, they were smart enough to know that they didn’t know everything; that’s the beauty of our country is that WE  as a people should be making the decisions. But, slowly the government has just about stripped all those rights away.  When are we going to unite and take that freedom back? Freedom of choice is our strongest freedom, regardless of what side you’re on, you should be concerned with our lack of freedoms today.

Our President isn’t an elected king, he’s not an Emperor, a ruler or a god, he’s the SERVANT of the people elected BY the people… I think America has forgotten that.

America is about ideas, I think if we follow people blindly then we are going against who we are supposed to become as a nation. Go out, make up a new idea, make it known, have a opinion and don’t let people change that. Your beliefs are WHO you are, don’t let someone tell you differently. Read, talk, and study the topic and then make a decision on where you stand. Don’t let George Bush or the news or your next door neighbor tell you that you aren’t American for not supporting America’s decisions.

The war is stupid, George Bush is a moron and I’m counting down the days til he is released from office. (718 days 15 hours 44 min… if ya don’t believe me look it up)

I don’t care if you disagree with me I’M HAPPY IF YOU DO.. that’s what America is all about.

I wish some people would grow some damn balls and be proud to be different. Quit following your parents, friends and the news, get your own opinion and hold it close to you… quit being a sheep and divert yourself from the flock.

Cause personally, in my opinion, if you follow leaders blindly and hand over all your rights to give them more power… I don’t think I’M THE ONE who is being UN-American. 

Excuse a lot of my work, I’m trying to save all of it so a lot might seem like it repeats itself. (this sounds a lot like Dear Mom, if anyone has read that) it was just another version I’ve had in my notebook that I liked… so here it is..
 

I fight..
I’m not speaking of fighting in the sense of toe to toe, fist to face fighting… although that is fun, hell I have taken knees to the face, been kicked in my ribs, I even once (in  a all out brawl) took a board to the side of my head Tommy boy style. For some reason that is fun to me… but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about fighting to stay happy.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m happy, anyone who knows me knows that I have a good time doing ANYTHING. You give me a piece of tape and a toothpick and I’ll laugh for hours.
But, in life, the old saying stays true. SHIT HAPPENS. Shit does happen, and it sucks. I’ve had surgery’s (7 to be exact) all of which have put me out a MINIMUM of  6 weeks. It sucks, rehab hurts. And my body is sick of being cut open every year. Other than going under the knife, I’ve had problems with, family hating girls I date, getting no respect when I believe I deserve it, my bro going through a divorce.. shit.. a lot goes down in the PoVey family. The most disturbing of course is losing someone you love. I have lost three friends over my life. Two in a horrible accident and one to drugs…. Regardless of the reason.. it never gets easy.
I know I always try to be captain “tough guy” I always try to be the rock for other people in tough situations, but honestly I am not very good at it, my fighter mentality wants me to be tough, but my soft heart conquers and I often allow my emotions to show. As hard as I try to be like my father, I’m not.
I guess that’s where my fighting comes into play. I fight so hard to stay happy that, at times, I’m not happy because I fight myself.  Now that I look at my life I realize one thing..
I’ve realized that life is amazing. You can float through your whole life wondering “why me” or you can take each experience and grow from it.  Yes we all have a surgery in one form or another. You might not go under the knife, but all of us have been “cut down” by god one way or the other… it’s our choice if we want to complain, or start rehabbing the proper way so we become stronger. We all have family problems and we all lose loved ones. Nothing about family or death can be easy. But I believe that with a positive attitude you can face anything. In The Book of Mormon, god tells us that we won’t be asked to run faster than we can, basically we won’t deal with anything he doesn’t think we can conquer… so why is it that so many times we feel like we are helpless?
Because we CHOOSE to feel that way.
My message to you today is to stand tall, smile, grab a piece of tape and a toothpick and act like a dork. Life is amazing, god put you here to enjoy this experience, go  CHOOSE to enjoy yourself…