Forgetting Who I Am

Pulled into town not to long ago. Unpacked and took up my usual spot on the couch in the basement. My dog was jumping around.. knowing his “dad” was back from a long trip.. I think he was more excited than any of my family memebers.. lol.
As with any time spent away from home… I now have the opportunity to reflect on my time away.. and ask myself the one question I always ask..
“What did I learn”
The last time I stepped through the doors of this home, I was leaving to a place where I knew no one. Most of you who know me, know that, being unfamiliar with my surroundings is nothing new to me.
So, April 30th I walked out the door… And now i’ve just walked back in…
“What did I learn”
Well…
My dad always says to “go get lost, its good for the soul”
I couldn’t agree more. I believe opening yourself, your heart, your mind and your soul to new things can only make you grow. I have been lost my fair share of times in this life… and this experience was no different… I mean.. i loved playing baseball everyday. I loved the fans, the lights, the funny moments, the crazy moments, the exciting and even the terrible…
But through all those things.. what did I learn?

Hmmmm… I can think of a couple things….
One thing I learned was how to sleep in a ball. being a baseball player on the road.. you have to learn how to get your rest whenever you can.. try sticking 35 guys on a bus… each one wanting their own seat.. but only 30 seats available.. ive seen kids on the floor and even kids crammed in the over head bins. i have had my 6 foot 3 body balanced on a seat no bigger than 2 feet and slept like a baby.
But cramming in a ball isn’t all ive learned… I’ve learned that even when you work hard.. sometimes things might not go your way. And soon, you’re faced with a choice. You can either quit, and take what you’ve learned to another path of life. Or you can push through… it might get harder the more you push. but soon you will find that you are not only stronger, but in a much better place than before.
The last lesson I learned was the hardest one of all…
I learned that when things get tough. I try to push away those who I love. I know that I have done this for years… and hurt alot of people in the process. It really isn’t a desire of my heart to hurt people.. but pushing them away during these times can be very hurtful.. and I haven’t seen it til now.
See.. in my eyes.. I push them away cause I feel bad… I feel bad that someone is so happy.. and I am not… I feel like I am dragging them down to my level.. and I would never want to do that. So, in order to protect their happiness.. I push them away until I fix the problem myself.
I have learned that this is not the way to live a life and not a way to have a good relationship with anyone who you love.
I have really learned that even the smallest problem in the world can bring people closer together… I’ve learned that facing my problems alone is not healthy and most of the time end in failure…
My whole life i’ve watched my dad coach.. He would always take the team he was coaching up into the mountains and then have them do small stupid things together.. he would say “the problem is the ground is lava.. touch it you die… grab a rock..’
each kid would grab a rock and then my dad would throw out a couple of them.. so that each kid had to help one another from rock to rock without touching the ground.. with the lack of rocks, some kids found themselves on the same rock as another.. helping each other balance as they moved to the next rock together….. the whole team would use the rock path to get from one side of the camp ground to the other. if every member got across safely.. they could move on to the next “problem”
Most of the time.. the kids who found themselves paired up during these events, had never talked before this trip.. or even got along… and by the time they left… they were friends.. and have been friends ever since..
my WHOLE life i have been watching this and missing the point…
It’s not about how big, small or stupid the problem may look… if you allow the people around you to help you when times get tough… it won’t matter how many rocks get stripped from your path. It won’t matter because when you come to a gap in life.. there will be a hand of someone you trust to help you along the way.
I apologize to all those who i’ve pushed away in my times of trial. i’m sorry it took me 25 years to see that i wasn’t helping you.. i was only hurting the both of us.
I thank all those who were stubborn.. and refused to move no matter how hard i pushed… without you.. i wouldn’t have seen what i was doing.

I guess that is all that i’ve learned since i last walked through these doors… and just like everything in life… it may not seem like much.. but by “small simple means.. great things are brought to pass”

Ain’t it funny how a melody
Can bring back a memory
Take you to another place in time
Completly change your state of mind”

Great words by one of my favorite artists.. Clint Black.. I remember sitting in the car jamming out to Clint Blacks song “Like the rain” when my dad decided to show off his voice.. or lack of.. and blurt out the words “LIKE LARANE”…. I guess he thought Clint was singing about a girl who reminded him of someone named Larane… my mom quickly turned down the music and in between laughs she corrected him.. “It’s like the RAIN”… My dad acted like he was kidding around.. but to this day I still think he truely believes he is right.. lol.. Sing it away pops.

It really is funny how a song can spark a memory.. That is why i guess i have such a passion for music. Ever since I was 13 i’ve been writing my own poetry.. I remember cleaning out my brothers room when he left for college and stumbling across his notebook.. Me being the good brother who would NEVER go through anyones private stuff all of a sudden  i found myself 15 pages deep in my brothers writing and loving every line.  It inspired me to write.. it was something that no matter what no one could take from me.
You could strip me of my car, money, clothes, home and family… but you couldn’t take from me my love, passion, hate or beliefs.. all of which i can convey through writing.

To be honest i wish everyone would pick up a pen from time to time and spill their heart.. as my dad would say “tis good for the soul” I challenge whoever reads this that they take 5 min out of their “busy day” and write something that they can call their own. write about something that made you laugh, cry, angry or inspired. email it to me, text it to me.. or better yet, start a blog. About a month ago i had a friend over when i was looking for someting i once wrote. i was going through notebook after notebook of writings when all of a sudden she turned to me and said “this is going to be so cool for your kids to read”
kind of shocked me, but its true.. how cool is it going to be when i pass on to the good lord and leave behind my legacy through my pen.
Think about that next time you sit down to watch the next episode of american idol.. maybe instead of watching simon be an asshole.. you should think about who and what you want your kids to remember about you

Quickly bounce to your feet if you fall
If you ever do make an error
Forget it
Remembering your flaws will only scare you to mess up again
Thinking too much can be very bad
Not thinking enough will eventually catch up to you
Be steady
Have the same approach
Yet make slight adjustments each time to make yourself better
Don’t be scared to let it fly
Be aggressive
Be assertive
Never show fear
Don’t walk cause you can’t teach hustle
Hustle is something you earn through hard work
Practice doesn’t make perfect
Perfect Practice breeds consistancy
Winning isn’t everything
It’s the ONLY thing
When there seems to be too much going on
Make sure you atleast get one thing out of the way
Have your own style
Know that there isn’t a right way to do everything
But try to do everything the right way
Never lose hope
Anything can happen
It’s better to be 110% wrong
Then to stop and try to back track your decision
Be loose
Be smooth
The softer your mind and body
The more succesful you’ll be
When doing work with others
Put eveything behind until the job is done
Personal differences CAN currupt a job
There is a fine line between confident and cocky
Know that line well
Listen to your leader
Regardless if they are right or wrong
They are your leader
Listen
Now.. to many it may be just a game
But if it wasn’t for this game
I wouldn’t have learned what I know
About life

When time calls you answer as an individual. Not to harken to any call of man. Some call that independence… I call it lonliness.   Although your heart begs for love, you deny yourself to feel anything remotly close to love or anything that could even be mistaken for that awful feeling. You deny cause you are afraid. You aren’t afraid of failure.. you’re afraid of becoming something that you fear more than anything… something pure. You fear giving your glass heart to the clumsy boy with wings. He’s dropped it a couple times before and you don’t know if you have it in you to pick up the pieces again.You have slowly molded into something you never thought you’d be… you’re a mold of distrust. Some call that being cautious.. I call it blatant disregard. I can’t tell you what I see… Everytime I try to get close with words of encouragement you shrug me off with your cold shoulder of denial. Its not that you aren’t beautiful and amazing like I say you are… you just refuse to accept it. Your soul begs for light but you hide it in the shadows of your own pride. Some say you need repentance.. I think you need to rejoice in your anguish.It pains me to sit on the sidelines to watch you get hurt in the game of love. Its a game that must be played… Its a game that has been known to hurt a lot of us. So where do we go from here? I wish I knew.. I wish my words would penetrate your thick shell of negation. Maybe then you’d know how important you are.. Maybe you’d get a glimps of how beautiful I see you to be.. and that every bit of hurt you’ve ever experienced can be forgotton… But until you take off the shades that blind you from my facility of speech.. you won’t be able to see the true meaning of love.. you won’t be able to see, that love… is standing right here in front of you.

Screw this.. i can’t write.. i’ve been staring at the screen for an hour and i can’t think. For the past week i’ve laid my head to rest for a grand total of eight hours.. eight hours in a week. Who knows whats wrong with me.. Stress? Depression? Both? Regardless of what can be wrong i know one thing is for sure.. i can’t write. i sincerly apologize to anyone who reads my blog.. i know you as well as i was disapointed at the garbage i threw on here the other day about a perfect girl. it was a good idea to write about.. but for some reason i can’t think. I do my daily routine with school, baseball and weights… Then i come home hoping to get a great nights sleep.. only to find myself staring at a wall.  i try to read.. but i’d rather write my own stuff.. leave my own legacy for someone else to read someday.. but lately.. nothing. Nothing comes to mind and nothing seems to have any feeling anymore. (I don’t know how to put what i’m feeling in words… so excuse me as i make a pathetic attempt.) I guess the best way to say it is that…  I don’t care about anything.. it’s not really that i’m angry, mad, upset or even sad… it’s that i don’t feel happy. That might not make sense but its almost like nothing has color anymore.. the whole world is gray. This feeling of being stuck in the middle is ruining my progress on my book. I know that in my curent situation that writing should be the least of my worries..but i really can’t write. I know i’m writing what i think right now but any four year old can pick up a crayon and do that. i’ve lost my creative flow, i’ve lost tag…i can’t write about happy, sad, funny, angry or even pretty… cause i’ve forgotton what they feel like.  Now before i get going… i don’t want to sit and rant about my problems to a group of ears that’d rather hear nails on a chalkboard. So with that i leave you be. I did want to say to not give up on me.. i promise something great when i come back from this.. hopefully tonight i can lay my head to rest and the sandman won’t forget me.. good night everyone.

You want whats best for your kids.. i know that.. i understand your frustration at the world. i’m young.. stupid.. and don’t know much.. Growing up i never understood how god works.. but if there is one thing i know as a foundation of my beliefs is that everything will be ok. i remember laying on a surgery table in tears cursing god and asking him what i had done wrong. what did i do to offend you god? why are you punishing me? WHAT HAVE I DONE? four months later i understood that god wasn’t out to get me. he was out to make me a better person. this surgery took place my senior year of high school and it worried me sick for 120 straight days that i was not going to play sports. little did i know that god was molding me not only into a better person, but a better athlete.  i know what i’m saying doesn’t make sense to you.. its just something you have to experience for yourself. as i look back on how i grew and what i learned.. i regret my questioning gods actions.. i know my attempts to explain gods plan for each of us are far from perfect. but if you will but please just give me a page or two… i will try my best.
Before i begin.. just know God is an amazing man. so amazing i sometimes feel unworthy to even mention his name. so if i call him boss or big man.. know who i’m referring to.
As i went on my mission one thing i was absolutly facinated by was joseph smiths life. he was a stud. there are many words to describe that man; spiritual, responsible, strong… but i think i’ll stick to my original word.. stud. first of all i don’t know many 14 year old boys who search for truth.. and even if they do i haven’t seen many overlook their parents beliefs to strive to find their own. he did that, he saw something, he felt something and he was givin one of the biggest responsiblilities a man can have.. he was called to be a prophet of god. As a prophet you have to be a pretty good person. i know he wasn’t perfect, only jesus has filled that role. i’m sure joseph had his flaws but he was about as close to perfect as you can be. the more i learned about the man the more i respected him. and… the more i learned about him.. the more i quesitoned the boss. why’d he let such horrible things happen to joseph?.. he was tarred and feathered he was beat up he was thrown in jail with no food and spit on and humiliated… i couldn’t stop thinking.. he’s the prophet of your church can’t you help him out? the final straw was how he was killed.. he was taken from his family.. beaten, thrown in jail and later executed at the hands of evil men.  all because of what he belived was true.. he was killed for the exact reason america was found.. a different belief in religion.
My questions of why god didn’t help our prophet were answered upon more studying. in one of joseph’s accounts he is beaten and thrown in jail for no reason.. this wasn’t the first time.. in fact joseph had been in this situation many times.. he almost always kept his cool but it was starting to get to him.. so he asked god what everyone asks when things go wrong.. what did i do wrong? can you help me? i’m doing good and these people are evil.. so why am i the one who suffers? i expected the boss to magically break down a wall and set joseph free.. but instead he answered joseph.. and his answer was priceless.. it was something we can all take into our own lives when things go wrong..  he basically said, live with it… in not so many words god told joseph look… i know this sucks.. i know what you are going through is painful.. i know its not easy.. i know you are right and these men are wrong.. i know your family struggles when you’re gone.. but stand up.. dust yourself off and stay strong.. then he says something that is amazing to me.. he says if all these men beat you and kill you and do horrible things to you and your family.. even if the gates of hell stand against you.. it will be for your good…  my first reaction when i read this was.. are you kidding me? how can so many horrible things be for someones good? then i remembered my surgery.. i remembered being hurt and being in pain.. i bore it i went through it.. and i learned so much about myself.. i learned about hard work and humility.. i learned so many things that i would have never learned if i had stayed healthy.. now i am in no way comparing my small surgery to the suffing of christ or the murder of joseph smith.. but i am saying…sometimes the gardener has to trim the tree to make it grow.. the boss knows life sucks.. he knows our pains and trust me it does pain him to see us hurt.. but he knows what the outcome is.. he has a plan for our growth.. sometimes we are all dumb and we think we know better.. i’ll be the first to say i’m guilty of being stupid. but one thing i do know.. is no matter what happens.. none of us have bled from every pore.. none of us have suffered the sins of the world.. none of us have been beaten, whipped, and hung on a cross to die.. one man did that for us all.. at anytime god could have defended his son.. taken his pain away and helped him escape from that pain.. but he didn’t.. the pain was for the best and the lesson we can learn from such experiences can help us understand that everything will be ok.. and that god isn’t punishing or ignoring us.. if anything.. take obstacles as a compliment.. it means god knows you can conquer them.. and become a better person.. someone who even we didn’t think we could be.

I have another question..
Are all girls insane? Don’t get me wrong, i love women. They are amazing and i belive you are supposed to treat them with the up-most respect.. Or are you?
See.. All women drive me completely nuts.. let me explain my feelings.
All my life my dad has raised me to treat women with respect. To open doors for them, to not use bad language around them, to always protect them, and to always, ALWAYS, tell them how beautiful they are. To the normal man, this sounds like a good plan to snag a girl.
But its not.. I’ll get to why in a second..
One trait i have is that i am very observant.. i see things, hear things and i will remember EVERYTHING… through my studies i have listened to girls and what they want.. i have come up with 5 traits that will fit someway into what most women look for in a man (now i know there are 1,000’s of traits.. after reading these 5 traits.. those who know me will understand why i picked these 5… lol.. it makes me look good.. lol)
i will quote the female race straight from memory…
Trait #1… “I love a guy who takes care of his body”
Trait #2… “Oh, a guy who can play the guitar and sing is soooo hot..”
Trait #3… “Oh, i love athletes.. especially baseball players in their tight pants… mmm”
Trait #4… “I wish a guy would write me a poem.. thats so romantic”
And finally Trait #5 (who most girls would say is most important) “i just want a guy to treat me right”
Now.. i really can’t complain.. girls understand what they want and that is cool with me.. but do they pursue what they tell us? No.. no.. no.. no.. no.. they don’t.. they don’t for one reason.. one reason that i have found to ring true through many experiments.. the one reason…
GIRLS LOVE JERKS.. thats right, jerks.. not athletes, not artists, not preps, cowboys, homless people, firemen, not tall men, short men, or midgets, not poets, musicians, or nice guys.. JERKS!  Girls really could care less about what you do.. or how well you promise to treat her.. if you act like an absolute jerk.. odds are.. she’s all yours.
That brings me back to my original quesiton.. are all girls insane? whatever happend to the “knight in shining armor”? Today it isn’t important to be the knight coming to rescue someone you love.. todays society is more based around “what kind of horse did you ride in on?” I guess I missed the memo that said, “cars, money and clothes=Love.”
My many attempts to understand females has left my mind scrambling for answers..  Answers to questions like.. Don’t you want someone who treats you with respect? If you cry every night cause you’re with him.. then why are you with him? Do you really think the new shirt he bought you means “im sorry for yelling at you and calling you names?” Thats cool that he drives a hot car.. But what kind of car do you think he’ll drive when he moves out of mommy and daddy’s basement and has to pay for his own stuff?  
My idol, Jack Johnson, said it best when in his song “gone” he says
Look at all those fancy clothes
But these will keep us warm just like those
and what about your soul is it cold?
straight from the mold and ready to be sold?
Cars and phones and diamond rings
bling bling
those are only removeable things

I mean.. honestly.. where did all the girls go who believe in a good guy? after all my studies i hate to ask myself this.. but i feel i almost have to.. should i start treating women like crap? Hell, maybe i’d snag Jessica Alba and live happily ever after..
who knows.. maybe one day women will figure it out.. til then congrats to all you non-talented, fat, non-athletic, musically challenged jerks who treat women like crap.. cause to them you’re considered “the cute guy in my English class”
Good luck with that ladies.. when you want a good guy thats really down to earth.. please let me know.. i know a ton of guys waiting for that to happen.

Dear World,
Can i ask you a question? take it for what its worth.. nothing more.. is love constantly repeating your desires to let me know how unimportant my life is?  i could be wrong.. the life i live now is a huge testament of how wrong i can be.. my thoughts of love probably won’t go beyond the ears of those around me. .. but to me.. Many things don’t describe love..  just being with someone is not love, not kisses.. its not buying dinner or presents.. its not a hug or a gental touch as you look into someones eyes.. its not a word.. and it can’t be written.. its merely a desire to make someone better. to love them unconditionally.. without regret without remorse without desire of any benifit in return. its a feeling deep inside to wish everything good upon the person you love. to make sure there time here on this earth was spent in laughter. to make sure when they arise they can look out the window and wish to discover what is out there.. to discover every other feeling that they do not feel day to day.. to feel what its like to have hate, remorse, envy, fear, anger…. all because you fullfill all their needs of joy, peace, comfort and.. ofcourse.. love.  when going through what i believe is love i know that i am guilty of not following what i believe.. i’m sorry.. my heart desires to love.. its my pride. anger and stupidity that plague my path to love. i beg for you to hear my cries and pleading.. begging for forgiveness for trying to ruin the most sacred feeling that god gave us. that is my apology.. until i hear i am forgiven..i sit upon my stool of thoughts.. trying to contemplate a way to one day.. love again

When light relects the soul, darkness flees.. but darkness will sit and wait on the path ahead. Let your mind be in fore-thought, let your hear be in the moment. Don’t let your heart loose and lose your identity. Some might say that identity is but a fleeing thought, a butterfly sailing amongst eagles. To me identity is seeking eternal truth. For excess is identity and in so we find truth. Truth is only relative to the beholder, identifying truth is impossible unless you seek it. Truth will define itself if you seek to gain wisdom and not gold. Let your heart be in the world not of the world, doing so will find truth and following truth will never allow you to lose your identity.

Where hast thou walkest? Your feet are battered and torn. Your hands are outwardly coarse yet tender to the touch. Your long slim figure shows your lack of adequate nutrition. Yet a smile appears before me and illuminates the room with a heavenly glow. Although your face is weathered and the signs of aging have taken hold, your soul seems young and radiates through all that surround you. Don’t give in to what is expected of you, don’t loose you’re your soul in search of worldly treasures; don’t ever sacrifice happiness for safety. Your path may have been hard but you have survived the journey. Your spiritual nature speaks volumes of where you have been and how you have treated those around you. Don’t lose your faith in human kind for there are others like you who value humility, peacefulness, and honesty. Though they may not be found at the local star bucks or shopping at lofty department stores, if you look hard enough they are there. Sitting below the radar of society, evaluating where we are going as a people and working to change the industrialized psyche which has encompassed our brethren. Their thoughts and actions may go unnoticed by the general public; it is not fame or recognition which is sought. He sees them and they speak to Him. They understand the teachings of his Son and choose to love and live much like He did. Battered, torn, wandering, they open their hearts and minds to all that will hear regardless of social, racial or political status. The meek SHALL inherit the earth but for now we will settle for the beach towns, small mountain villages and quaint desert communities.