Forgetting Who I Am

A lot of people have told me.. “You’re going to be nothing.” They have tried to tell me that I won’t do anything with my life. These people have followed my life through the internet or through other people hoping that they will hear that I’ve failed or that my life is miserable.

I don’t really care much for these people and I don’t really play their “game” by caring what they think…

But honestly, I already feel like I’ve won.

Let me explain why

Before I start I don’t want you to think I’m up here preaching to you that I’m “so good” or “so successful” as you read on you’ll understand that this is not a blog to brag.. as you read on, you will understand my true meaning. Now that you know that.. let me go on.

A lot of the things I’ve written have told you how much of a struggle I’ve been through. This doesn’t make me “better” than anyone else, it just makes me who I am.  If someone has been through tons of trials it just means that God is trying to strengthen them. I THINK it is in D&C 121 or 122 when it talks about Joseph Smith in jail. In that section Joseph basically asks God why he has to go through these tough times.. to which God reply’s “this experience will be for thy good”

For thy good.. that is really comforting.. to know that something hard can be for thy good.

So back to my original point, all the people who have tried to bring me down or put obstacles in my life, I just have to laugh at..

I know that my freshman baseball coach told me that I’d “never be a good college baseball player” 3 All-American titles later I felt like mailing my awards to his house. But I didn’t and I never will. Only because I don’t want him to think my life has revolved around proving him wrong, because it hasn’t…

I guess that’s my point, we ALL have people like that in our lives. People that don’t like us or want only the worst things to happen to us are ALWAYS going to be there. And it gets worse the more you move up with your life. The more and more success that i’ve earned has been at the push against more and more trials. My whole life I’ve been pretty good at what I do.. my dad has always warned me of success.. telling me that “its very lonely at the top”

But I don’t mind the trials.. I have never accomplished something that I consider “success” without some sort of trial in my way.. Meaning, if Mt Everest was twenty feet high, no one would care if you climbed it. Get my point?

So as we all push on against the people trying to destroy us, we have to remember one thing, we can’t get caught up in trying to make them unhappy or trying to prove them wrong. Cause the moment we do, we lose focus on what we truly desire.

A lot of people have told me “you’ll never make it to the big leagues” But to me, my minor league career is NOT going to be based off of if I make a big league game or not. I know that as good as I was, am or may become, I may NEVER step foot in a big league game. I can’t control what scouts think of me or if I get injured or not.. All I know, is that all I can do is set my focus upon ONE goal that I CAN control.

That one goal, is to be successful.

I believe success is measured by the ability to accomplish ones desire. If you’re desire is money, then you can measure your success by money… to me.. my desire is to never quit. My desire is to push through hard times that may come.. cause they will make me stronger and make me into someone special. My desire is to hold someone through hard times to be a comforter to them and a guide in their life. My desire is to take each situation I’m faced with and learn a life lesson in one way or another.

If I want to be successful then I can’t worry about proving my nay-sayers wrong or finding ways to make them look bad. I have to worry about ME. I have to worry about my TRUE desires and my OWN success.

If I get caught up in their little games to bring me down, then I’ll never find success in my life. So I can’t, and I won’t.

I’m going to just worry about me, I’m going to worry about what I can control and what I want to accomplish.

So keep pushing, there is ALWAYS going to be someone trying to pull you down… you can’t worry about them. Focus on WHAT YOU WANT and don’t let ANYTHING hold you back from accomplishing your goal.

The few of us that push through the mold will always be laughed at, lied about and hated… Look at Moses, Abraham, Joseph, Peter and of course Jesus… the more and more they became successful, the more and more people hated them.. But NONE of these people quit, NONE of them lost focus on what they wanted.. and that’s why ALL of them were successful..

So push towards success, and as long as you never let the words of hatred fall into your ears, and as long as you keep pushing, you will fulfill any desire that you wish to accomplish..  And even though my dad says that it’s “lonely at the top” I do understand what he means.. But in a way I couldn’t disagree more, without the help of my family, (especially help from brother Jason) help from friends (Kim, Jenn, Thurm and Kate) and my girlfriend Nikki, I wouldn’t be at the top… and trust me.. with all that company, I’m far from lonely. J

As I arise I glance to the window to see the sun trying to push through my blinds. Excitement begins to take over my body, finally, sun. Sunshine brings many things to the world, but to me, the sun finally unveiling its face after hiding for so long can only mean one thing; baseball season. Sunshine digs its way through the snow that Mother Nature has placed across the ground and finds its way to the grass. Finally I can see something green, no more white snow, no more ice filled roads, but now the beauty of mother nature that has been draped in white can now seep through and begin to renew itself.

I guess that is why I love spring so much, it’s not just the crack of a wood bat, the feel of newly stitched seems across your fingers or even the beautiful aroma of pine tar… it’s the chance of renewal. During the fall, beautiful trees and flowers begin die and winter covered everything almost as if to say “we need some rest.”  But now, as the sun melts away the winter and spring begins to show its face, we begin to see a whole new world that reveals itself right before our eyes.

To me, this is also how god works. He sees the beauty within us, he sees how “green” or “pure” we are. And even though we may be very good, he sees how he can make us stronger. He puts us through trials that will sometimes feel hard, almost as if we are “wilting away” he will cover us when we need rest and be there for comfort, then, when the time is right, he will shine his everlasting light upon us, and soon we will find that the hard times of the fall and winter has made us stronger. We have been faced trials, made it through the cold and survived the toughest storms, and now god finds us ready to face the world again. After the tough times you now see that your trunk is stronger, your roots are deeper and your leaves are greener…

And now we’re off into the world, getting a clean slate, a new life and a stronger hope.. And even though we enjoy the beauty of spring, there is something deep inside us, that can’t wait to hold gods hand through winter. 

What makes a writer isn't a skill for writing. Anyone, and I mean anyone, can write. You just have to pick up the pen. A couple people have got on here and said “wow, you can write.”

I try to save my sarcasm for when it’s needed but my reply should be.. “ya.. I learned how when I was 3”

I WANT SO BADLY for people to write.. because EVERYONE can inspire ANYONE.

And honestly, I need some inspiration

Bob Marley is running dry… and I’m trying not to listen to Eminem as much (I swear enough as it is and I’m tryin to stop!)

LOL…

I guess what I’m trying to say is I want WHOEVER reads this to sit down RIGHT NOW.. get on a blank word document or grab a freakin pen and let your hands go.. DON’T THINK, JUST WRITE.

Some of my greatest blogs were when I didn’t think of how to put my words together, I just wrote… I just let my heart guide my hand and the words just seemed to flow. You don’t have to be magic, you don’t have to have a degree from Yale.

Just write…

KIM.. I’m mostly talking to you…

She inspired me to write so many times and she never even knew it… with her sometimes OVERLY dorky quotes she makes up.. J

Anyway, I’ll quit beating on a dead horse.. I just ask that all of you write something, email it to me, comment it to me, text it to me.. just write, who knows you might like it.. and you might start inspiring thousands of people to do the same.

Until then…

This pen has run dry

Peace  

We’re all human.. We all make mistakes..

I can’t tell you how much that knowledge has helped AND hurt me throughout my life.. It helps when I’m down and need help reminding myself that I’m not perfect and that everyone has their trials..

But it also hurts, it hurts because sometimes I’ll be faced with the option of evil and think to myself, “well it’s ok if I mess up.. we’re all human, everyone makes mistakes”

So what’s a boy to do?

I once heard someone say that NO ONE can change…

NO ONE?

Wow.. if no one can EVER change.. what the hell are we doing here? If I were you I’d take some advice from me… the girl that said that was a stupid bitch who wasn’t strong enough to change herself.

I believe anyone can change… it’s just a matter of inner strength laced with desire.

In the Bible, Book Of Mormon, and Doctrine And Covenants, we constantly read about a “change” of heart.

I just wish I knew how this takes place..

For me, I’ve changed a lot

I’ve gone through good, bad, and everything in between…

But how do I stick with just one?

I know a lot of you out there battle with inner war… a battle between your mind and your soul… this battle isn’t always about good and evil.. sometimes it’s just about who we are, who we want to be and who we SHOULD become.. everyone from my nephew to the prophet wants to know who they are and what they stand for.

I wish I had some bit of GREAT advice that you could put in your pocket to take home with you.. but honestly, I am as dumb as I look… I have no answers for you at this point. I can’t say anything life changing and I don’t dare to try and write something so inspirational that you hang it as a quote..

All I can do is stand next to you shrugging my shoulders in a failed attempt to answer all of  life’s questions.

Until I get some light on this subject I think I’m just going to kick back and try to smile. Cause no matter what, that is the most important thing in life. If you can smile, nothing is wrong, and if you ever do anything to wipe that smile off your face or anyones face around you.. just stop and remind yourself

We’re all human… we all make mistakes  

Never have I known something so much as I did that day. I remember sitting on top of a roof with my sister’s husband, Nick, who handed me the cell phone “It’s your mom” he said. I grabbed the phone and heard the joy in my mom’s voice. “It’s here Tycen, your call is here.”

Before I go on any further let me explain what a call is.  See, in my church, we have the choice to go on what is called a mission. People everywhere, all across the world have seen the Mormons riding on their bikes or walking down the street, dressed in a suit and tie and wearing a name tag on their chest. That is what I wanted to do, I wanted to teach others what I believed. When you make the decision to go on a mission it is, or should be, your decision. YOURS.. between YOU and GOD.. Some people try to go out to impress their girlfriends or family and it makes me sick.. you can really tell when you are out there who WANTS to be there and who is just trying to float by for two years.

Anyway, when you finally make that decision you put in what are called your “papers” basically this is like a college application. It’s who you are, where you’re from etc. etc. Once you mail your papers to church head quarters, they mail you back what is called “a call” because you are “called” to teach in a certain area of the world. Currently the church has missionaries in 130 countries, so basically you can be called to just about anywhere in the world and you have no say in where you go. Getting your call is a big deal.. because obviously it contains where you are headed for the next two years of your life.

So back to my story.. My call arrived at the house, as I hung up with my mom I KNEW for sure I was headed to Italy. For some reason I had always loved Italy, the history, the pictures, the culture.. I remember praying how much I wanted to go to Italy. I just KNEW I was heading there.. the rest of the day I wasn’t even worried about it, I knew where I was going.. I didn’t even have to open my call.

I got home and friends and family flooded my house. Everyone started making bets on where I was headed.. I looked at the envelope on the table and once again I knew I was right..

I opened my call and began to read..

Elder PoVey.. you are now being called by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to teach the people of…

My eyes read the next two words but my mind and heart didn’t believe it. I remember sitting there as my heart sunk into my stomach and doubt began to cloud my mind..

to teach the people of… Nashville, Tennessee

Nashville? I can’t be called to Nashville.. I can go anywhere within the world and I get called to Nashville? Can’t I call someone? This has got to be a mistake.. I want to learn a different language and see different cultures and people and baptize 50 people a month like Nick did in Brazil.. I can’t go to NASHVILLE.. that’s the BIBLE BELT.. no one will listen to me!

That night I prayed to god to let me know that was the right decision for me. Cause I really was struggling with the fact that I was bound to stay inside the US.. Does god not trust me to learn another language? Does he not think I am a good enough missionary to go across the globe?

I prayed and prayed and prayed.. but god.. being the 4^th watch god.. he didn’t answer.. he let me go out on my journey so that I could learn what I know now.. with his help.. through great and wonderful experiences..

(To be continued..)  

I honestly think that I, more than anyone one else that reads this, believes that my prayers go unanswered. I remember as a kid getting down to pray and feeling like i was actually talking to somone, feeling as if my prayers were going straight to god. Then, on my mission i felt as if god was standing next to me as i knelt down, i don't know how many times i asked for things on my mission and would recieve them right away, it was truely an amazing experience. but now, maybe i feel as if the only thing i talk to is the ceiling. Maybe its the loud world, maybe its satan telling me prayer is pointless or maybe its just my own thoughts creeping slowly into my head that god has better things to do and more important people to listen to. 

Over xmas i was given a book by my father, the book titled "when your prayers seem unanswered"  i didn't say anything at the time of opening the gift.. but the only thing i could think was "dad, you read my mind"

I read the book in the span of about 2 hours. The book answered so many of my questions, so i decided to write this blog to maybe touch a couple hearts that are looking for answers to their prayers..

For those of you who know the story about the apostles in the boat when the water starts to rise and the waves start crashing down on them... just for a moment, think of that story..  when the waves start crashing the men immediately start calling out for Jesus to help them. They called and called.. then the bible says that Jesus finally comes in the fourth watch... well.. what is the fourth watch? 
In the old times a day was divded into 12 hour periods. at 6am when the sun came up was the beginning of the day and at 6pm it was the beginning of the night. The night was divided into 4 watches. from 6 to 9, 9 to 12, 12 to 3 and 3 to 6. the Watchman was supposed to warn anyone of anthing that was going to happen, weather or war...
So back to the story.. the apostles are on this boat begging for Jesus to help them out but Jesus doesn't show up til the fourth watch.. and when he shows up he calms the water and saves the men from a sure death.
Thats how god works, he ALWAYS will come in the fourth watch. At the end of our darkest hour.. just before we think the wave is going to crash down upon us, he shows up and calms the water. We, being in the Fast food, quick pay, fast lane, quick and easy society all want god to be the first watch god... but honestly, if we all got what we wanted right away.. what would we ever learn? My dad once told me that you never learn anything by doing something right. I couldn't agree more, and i believe that line of thinking goes hand in hand with gods plan. He knows we screw up and we are going to get ourselves in the dumbest situations that he is going to have to come bail us out of... but he kind of lets it soak in, lets us get burned when we play with fire, because if you never get burned, how will you ever know that fire is dangerous?
The book goes on to explain in more and more detail, answering all the questions you might have, so i refuse to go on and i will tell you all to go out and buy the book. it has a lot of quotes from the book of mormon so if some of you don't understand as you read.. you know how to reach me!

I guess in a way i was in my fourth watch about why my prayers were unanswered.. and now that i got this book i understand that they are... i just have to see it for myself..

Been here too many times...

And yet, i've never been here..

I've officially had to start the fall semester of college 5 times in my life.. If you're wondering, no i'm not striving to become a doctor..lol. But the lessons i've learned from every year will far surpass any degree.
Every year i've been at college i've been somewhere new, Southern california, Northern Cali, Nebraska and Kansas... In that mess of colleges i also spent time in Tennessee, Illinois and played some ball up in Conneticut. Each time i've been away, i've been trying to prove something to nobody. I've been trying to run away from what i know. I've been drunk, I've been arrested more times then my parents know, i've been in so many fights i can't count, i've kissed girls who i didn't even know their name and i've lied to a lot of people close to me about very serious affairs. Now, i don't tell you this cause you are my bishop and this is some form of confession, but it is who i am.. I am in no way shape or form proud of this, but i have always believed that who you are is a part of where you come from.. and this is my past, i can't hide from it.. and honestly, without it, i wouldn't be the man i am today... so take it or leave it.  I don't know why i've done these things, i guess my eyes have been dark for sometime now and when you walk in darkness you tend to fall. But i guess we've all done that. Sometimes we get off and run away. For some reason it's human nature to do things "your way" i guess thats why the "natrual man" is an enemy to god. I've slowly realized that not only does "my way" suck.. but it doesn't ever work.. and honestly, i don't want it to work.

I remember one day i was sitting in the shower... i know the shower is a weird place to sit, but sometimes i will sit down, its the only place in a college house where you can get some privacy and actually think about what this life is all about.
I remember as i sat there i began to cry, this wasn't the first time, i cry a lot in the shower.. roommates can't hear you and if your eyes are red when you get out they just think its from the hot water. But regardless... i remember just all of a sudden stopping. For some reason i knew that everything was just going to be ok. I didn't know when and i didn't know how. But i did know that help was on the way.
I decided to try to look at the glass half full.. i was hoping help WAS on the way and that god hadn't forgotton about me.. i was looking for some sort of blessing.. when looking for gods hand in your life remember that blessings come in so many forms.. whether its a scar on the elbow, a brother home from college or a new roommate.. with these blessings i knew the boss had ideas for me. I knew that he really hadn't forgotton about me. Sometimes when we pray and don't hear back we believe that god forgot about us. But if we just keep our hearts open we will see that he has plans.. A wise man once told me that.... it is hard to be healed by moses' staff if you refuse to look...

So here i am about to start a journey i've done so many times... yet never experienced. A journey i feel i've already conquered and yet never battled... A journey i look forward to and yet have dreaded so many times.
I believe we all have had our experiences.. we've all been places we didn't want to be and seen things that we want to forget.. but honestly, i am not proud of where i've been but i can now stand proud of who i am. I've learned a lot of life lessons through other people.. a lot of lessons i've learned were from people who read this blog, so to you i say thank you.. and, if its any help, maybe my words will help you never forget who you are..

Thanks for the compliment,


Your words that you pounded out on the keyboard actually made my day. You were trying to think of how to hurt me.. and all you did was lift me up. See, I get a little self concious about my writing from time to time.  I don't know if people like how i express myself or if i should even pursue this dream of publishing a book. But honestly, after reading what you wrote... its inspired me to write more.  I know you don't understand... so let me break it down for you.  The difference between a GOOD writer and a GREAT writer.. is that a GREAT writer can write about a beach he's never seen, a woman he's never met and a situation he's never been in. A great writer digs deep inside to try and put himself in those situations without ever even being in them. He doens't need to be kidnapped to know how it feels and he doesn't need to see the most beautiful girl just to know what she'd look like and how she'd be... lets remember.. one of the greatest writers of music was deaf.... get my point?
So here i am debating whether i should retire my pen back to the box or if i should keep writing til my ink runs dry... then you came along. Telling me how bad it was for me to write about suicide and how my "stuff" was "disturbing". All i could do was smile. See, everytime that "I" write "I" or "me" i don't always mean "myself" I remember one of my first poems i put on here was about a kid hiding in his closet cause he was abused alot. I have never been abused and i haven't ever been so close to suicide... but the fact that i can write with such power as to convince you that i'm serious.. made my year... Your comment was a work of art, i printed it out and know it hangs by my bed side... reminding me everyday that
"if i can make people who know me, think i'm someone else just by somethin i post.. then i must just be that damn good'

Oh, and just because you don't put a name doesn't mean i don't know who you are. The way you write, what you said and the words you used all pointed out who you are... its kind of pathetic that i've forgotton about you.. so why are you still around? Are you mad because when i write about the "perfect girl" you know deep down.. it has NOTHING to do.. with you.... sad... but on the bright side... i guess you stuck around for a reason... to inspire me to keep writing... so... hopefully you'll get the hint.. and this will be the last thing i write to you...
Thanks for the compliment...