Forgetting Who I Am

In other words.. if you want to change your actions.. change your line of thinking. 

In order to do this.. i’ve set out some goals for me for the next few months.  I’m just posting them publicly so that my friends can get on me from time to time to see if I’m following suit. 

1. Temple 

2. Up by 9 (It IS hard when you work 13 hour shifts til midnight)

3. Read BOM in 1 month

4. Record for “Grace” 

5. Score over 400 on F.G.B.

6. Have 1500 in savings before season

7. Never take a day off 

I’m going to check back in June and see how I did.. maybe we all should have some goals from time to time. It’s been awhile since i’ve pushed myself to become better all around.. 

Guess we will see how it goes 

This question has damaged me over the years to the point of quiet desperation. I have been raised by two great people.. I remind you that they are great people because I don’t want you to take what I’m about to say out of context.. 

See, my parents rarely praised me.. If I ever did good, it was “expected” of me.. But when I did something wrong.. they were very quick to point the finger at my fault. It seemed like nothing I ever did was good enough for them. 

If I went 3 for 4.. I should have went 4 for 4.. If I went 4 for 4.. I should have hit 4 home runs.. If I hit a home run.. it should have went farther.. 

Get my point?

This line of thinking.. that nothing is good enough.. has pushed me in positive and negative ways..  Positively… I find myself constantly pushing to be better.  Some kids think I am crazy when I train.. I think I don’t train hard enough. 

But I also see this trait effect me in negative ways.. I see the tole that it takes on my relationships.. I have seen hearts break behind tear filled eyes.. I have seen my own life become worthless.. and full of work.. with no glory.. 

It’s like teaching a dog to sit with a treat you will never give him.. 

How long before the dog just figures.. Why even bother?

I’ve come to realize that no matter how hard I work.. I’m never good enough.. I haven’t been good enough to be stable in anything.. not good enough for baseball.. for my family.. I’m not even good enough for a stable relationship.