Forgetting Who I Am

Hand cuff yourselves to your dreams

Lose the key

Listen to how your soul screams

SIMPLICITY

God didn’t make us into complex beings

The answer to life is simple

Yet we forget what it means

Simplicity to me

Is a necessity

People don’t understand

What it means

To be free

Freedom isn’t free from

Responsibility

But freedom is a form of

Simplicity

Hand cuff yourselves to your dreams

Lose the key

Listen to how your soul screams

SIMPLICITY

God didn’t make us into complex beings

The answer to life is simple

Yet we forget what it means

 

Sometimes in life, we are faced with making a decision. Sometimes these decisions can be really confusing. This decision isn’t between right or wrong.. its not between good and bad, but a decision of where we want to stand as a person. When we are faced with this, this isn’t us being challenged to answer a question but instead more of a challenge to face a fear.

So.. what do you fear?

See.. me? I fear losing a friend. Hell, a guy in my situation fears losing anyone. Friends come and go for most people. But when you’re in my situation. You tend to cling on to whomever you can see helping you get out of this mess you call a life.

So what do you fear? what do you hold so true to yourself that you fear exposing it to the world? What do you wish others could know, but fear telling them?

I think we are all scared of something. Sometimes fear can lead us to comfort.. but comfort can lead to failure.

So sometimes i believe it is REQUIRED of us to push through something we fear. Sometimes when we push.. we find ourselves doing something that we never thought we’d do…. we find ourselves looking deep into someones eyes that we just met. Looking so deep that they feel it… will you scare them away?
Who knows… but all you can control is your actions to your fears..
what are you afraid of?
Why?
Why not take your fear of heights to the top of the building… and throw them over the edge.. maybe.. just maybe.. you’ll see what life is all about

I’m surrounded by people
With a laid back view
No forcin threes
Here’s a finger roll for two
People talk shit
When they say they don’t give a shit
You better pass that bitch
After you’ve takin your two hits
Man,
How did I get here
My mind replays my life
It’s foggy yet so clear
Pushed into a style
Like pressure from a peer
I turn around to find
That the peer is just the mirror

I got these friends now
And they’re all that I got
But these people love me now
For everything that I’m not

Hey bartender man,
Can I get a fifth
Just listen to my problems
And i’ll promise you a tip
Do you think this bottles big enough
To help my mind forget
I can feel my thoughts fading fast
As my hope loses grip
See the group of people there
That I came in with
They accept this lost soul
And all that it came with
But I’m not happy man
I think joy is some fake shit
I’ve tried everything man
And it’s all of the same shit

I got these friends now
And they’re all that I got
But these people love me now
For everything that I’m not

Showered and clean cut
All suited up
Who I am exposed to them
All rooted up
The bread and water pass me by
This servants remains unclean
Smiles wide across the faces
But mine remains unseen
I try to fit in with them
But they point fingers at my past
Their words peirce deep in my soul
And all I see is their backs
And now my soul is torn in two
Between right and wrong
I don’t fit in with either crowd
I’m not sure where I belong

So i sit upon this fence
Contemplating this mystery…
I’m accepted for who i’m not
And pushed away for who I want to be

You don’t have to look into hate filled eyes today
I do
I have to walk past hand hidden speech
Falling upon another ear about my past

How embarrassing
Who I am
What I’ve done
Everyone thinks they know
Because you told them what you wanted them to hear
So now these gossip filled lips
Smile as I pass
And lie as I fade into the distance
They think I don’t hear them
I do

How embarrassing
My proud shoulders heavy with embarrassment
My shaky hands hidden by the pocket of my jacket

My sad eyes hidden behind hopes of happiness
I try to fade into the land of music
Ipod on full blast
But nothing can blind my eyes from pointing fingers
They point when my back is turned
But these fucking idiots don’t realize there are mirrors in here
I see you
How embarrassing
Imagine the embarrassment
Imagine how I must feel
I was guilty until proven innocent
Where is my freedom?
How embarrassing it is to explain why I owe 2,500 dollars
2,500 dollars thrown away
Innocent was the verdict

So where is my money?

Give it back
He wanted to have you pay my bill

Serve time for a false report

But my hand lay still as my lips mumbled no

No
No because it wasn’t the right thing to do
It might have been justice
But not all justice defines whats right
I suffered
I suffered to be the bigger man
And what do I get in return?
Embarrassment 
And now this innocent boy

Walks past this desk

Still guilty by their eyes

Guilty by everyone’s eyes

Why?

Good question

I’ll never know why

I’ll never know why

I’ll never know why I’m guilty in everyone’s eyes

How embarrassing

How embarrassing that they will never know the truth

The move to Cali will never feel so good

A place I can finally walk around and be anything

But embarrassed

“Whatever you do, just don’t take last”

A simple sentence spoken by my father soon dropped on my 12 year old ears like a giant anvil.

I turned my back and began to walk across the track to the field to do my warm-up.

 

“Man,” I thought. “I really need to get better at this, I can’t even touch my toes.” My fat little fingers were begging to grab my Nikes but fell short as they dangled even to my white tube socks that stretched halfway up my calves.  I brushed my long dark hair out of my eyes and looked back across the track, to try and find my family. Standing on my tip toes, my 5 foot 2,  140 pound body finally caught the attention of my uncles and aunts off to the side, I gave them a wave, they smiled and waved back.

After a few short jogs, I was soon feeling ready to go… Then I heard my call, “Boys 800 Meter, report to starting position”

It was time…

Being who I am, I honestly thought that my short, fat, 12 yr old, un-athletic frame could actually compete with 9^th graders. I had never ran 800 Meters before. And anyone who knows ANYTHING about running, will tell you the 800 Meter race is the worst race you can run, (Next to the 400 Meter)

So there I stood, in my lane with 30 other boys. My head was not even above most kids waists, and my blue uniform that read “TH BELL” on the front could have been considered a dress.

I paid no attention to the crowd as my ears silently stood still, waiting to hear the gun.

BAM

We all took off, and within the first 50 meters I found myself in the back of the pack. My arms began to swing frantically and my legs sped up to try and keep up with the long, lengthy strides of the much older competitors.

After the first lap, my lungs began to burn, my heart began to pound and my already slow pace began to slow even more; almost to a crawl.

By the time I had started around for my second lap, the first 10 people were just starting their last 100 meters in a dash for first place.

On the back 100 I found that I wasn’t alone, after all this pain and embarrassment of this event, I had somehow managed to pass a kid, who was my age, but hailed from an opposing school. But my speed was still rapidly decreasing, and his was staying the same… Slowly he began to catch me. 

I could hear his footprints pounding behind me around the 200 meter mark. He was clipping my heels around the 150 mark and as soon as we turned the corner for the last 100 meters, I found him pulling up next to my right side. I couldn’t tell if he wasn’t breathing hard or not because my gasps for air were growing louder and louder. The only thing louder than my lungs was the voice in my head, the voice of my dad, “Whatever you do, just don’t take last”

I realized now that my dad knew I wasn’t competing for first place, but instead of having me get upset about being blown away, he wanted me to compete nonetheless… For anything but last place.

My little hands clinched in a fist and I began to push my body to the limit. With all my muscles firing, I was running like I had never ran before, trying to push myself, and at the same time, hoping that this kid next to me didn’t have much left in the tank. I pushed, my legs began to feel heavy and my mind kept telling me to quit, the kid was now dead even with me, and I knew that I was about to get passed for last place, right in the front of my uncles, aunts and my parents…

So I did what any competitor would do when they know they are beat.

I cheated.

I moved over into his lane and began to throw my elbows as hard as I could into his chest.

WAM
WAM
WAM

You could tell he was shocked, he didn’t know that track was a contact sport. But when a PoVey is competing, you never know what can happen during a competition.

He tried moving a lane over, but I followed, I kept elbowing and pushing him until we were all the way to the outside of the track, and now he had no where to go, on one side was me, elbows flying, waiting for him to come back in, on the other side, a steel rail.. Reality set into his mind and he began to realize that I would slam him into this rail if I had to; there was no way I was taking last.

Knowing that my will to win would go as far as to bodily injury, my competitor began to back off…

As my tired body crossed the line, a smile came on my face and I knew that I had accomplished my goal…

I probably should have been disqualified, I probably should have been in trouble, but I think that either the coaches forgot there was still kids trying to finish, they weren’t paying attention, or the battle for 30^th place ment nothing to them and they just sat and enjoyed the show. Either way I didn’t care if I would’ve been disqualified, I didn’t care if my coach would’ve been mad… cause all I cared about was crossing that line…

Crossing that line as being anything.. but last…

Wow..
This will be post number One-Hundred and Fifty…
I guess now I can turn back and reflect on the past three and a half years of writing.. Now is a perfect time for feed back.
Text me, email me… let me know what you liked, disliked and why.. I love getting ideas and help with what I write. So feel free to open your mouth and speak.. I promise I will listen…
So good or bad.. I’d love to hear what you have thought about this so far…
Thanks for reading…
Tag

You are so blind to what is reality it almost makes me want to give up on the world…
Give up on logic.
Give up on America.
Before I start.. Let me make it clear…That I don’t have a problem with difference in opinion. I have a problem with ignorance.
You know no background as to what you believe or why you believe it.
You say your religion believes in something, yet you have no scripture to back up your claim. You have no thought to your belief. You say your political stance believes in something… yet you don’t know any facts to back your hate filled mouth… you  voted for the man who was more “in touch” with the average American. Yet he owns ten houses, and has been worth millions of dollars, and his wife is worth billions… for some reason.. i doubt they are “in touch” with the avg American…
You only believe what the tv tells you to.
The tv would rag on my candidate for being a upper class “nerd.”
Sorry that my candidate wasn’t some fat cowboy, watching nascar with dip hanging from his lip… seems like you’d rather vote for that then someone with an education…
Hell, your VP had a broadcasting degree… and didn’t know what a VP even did, or if Africa was a country or a continent…
Wouldn’t that be worse?
When did it become a bad thing to be intelligent? When did the President become an office of someone with no background in education?
George Washington
Thomas Jefferson
James Madison
Any of these names ring a bell? Were they considered “avg joes” or “joe sixpacks?” Hell no…
They were very well educated men..
But you know what, its ok. Cause regardless of your hateful campain, your “out for blood” style media.
He won.
America for once, shocked me.
Just when I thought we were going to have another term where our integrity of a country is questioned by the world…
America spoke.. and they spoke loudly.
54 percent of the people stood up with me and pressed their finger to a screen that elected hope and change to the head of our country.
A man who believes in life and liberty…
A man who wants this country to be known for its helpful hand… not its loud fist.
A man who believes those who are blessed should help those who are in need… what a nobel belief.. what an UNSELFISH belief… what a TRUE American belief…
See, America is not about being able to make as much money as you want… Go travel the world.. there are plenty of countrys that live like that… they believe “what i make is mine”
And the rich are rich..
The poor are poor…
and there is no one in-between…
The great thing about America is that our country is one of opportunity. A country that, if you need help, someone is there to help you. If you are blessed, you have the gift of helping someone else…
That is America..
America to me is to be apart of something. America is great because we are all in this together. From LA to NY… We are as one. We stand as one and when someone opens a hand in need, we are quick to help, We are quick to help because we care. We are quick to give because we were once in need. We are quick to understand, because we don’t know everything.
America to me is a loud voice of hope and reason. A blessed land that CAN help the world… A land with so much potential, that to be anything less than the best country would be considered a failure…
A land that i am proud to be apart of, not because of its past… not because of its present.. but because of its voice that stood on Nov. 4th and said.. We want to change our future.. and become the land that we are ment to be.
And so even though you stand with blinders on, thinkin our country made a mistake… I believe the only thing that the majority of America is now blind too… is limits..

This pain in my stomach
Is the effect of my regrets 
Drinkin a bottle of forget
But I haven’t finished yet 
Thoughts of the past
My heart still upset
As I light up this cigarette
And remember your silhouette 

Damn girl
You’re like sweetest sensation
The thought of your smile is this songs inspiration
Your body is probably the only temptation
Worth every bit
Of eternal damnation
Tu habla espanol
So no need for translation
Le quiero por siempre
Thats not a misinterpretation
If loving you forever was considered an occupation
I’d be the first in line to get my ass an application

This ain’t no pick up line
I’m a thousand miles from you
And given our past
I’ve had a thousand trials with you
But I also know
I’ve had a million smiles with you
And when I do the math
I wanna spend awhile with you 
I can’t change my heart
I just cant swap it
My heart knows who it loves
And I just can’t stop it
I feel like I’m in school
And you’re the only topic
I guess my heart is yours now
Be careful not to drop it

Damn girl
You’re like sweetest sensation
The thought of your smile is this songs inspiration
Your body is probably the only temptation
Worth every bit
Of eternal damnation
Tu habla espanol
So no need for translation
Le quiero por siempre
Thats not a misinterpretation
If loving you forever was considered an occupation
I’d be the first in line to get my ass an application

Sweet soft lips
Bring a sweet soft kiss
And your lips are one target
I promise to never miss
I desire another chance
Let your heart reminisce
You mean so much to me
Here’s a quick list
You’re my..
Perfect balance of perfection
You’re like my savior Jehova
Your heart is full of service
I call you Motorolla
You can call me anything
Even your little Casanova
I’ll be anyone you want  
Even Tycen L. Cordova  

Damn girl
You’re like sweetest sensation
The thought of your smile is this songs inspiration
Your body is probably the only temptation
Worth every bit
Of eternal damnation
Tu habla espanol
So no need for translation
Le quiero por siempre
Thats not a misinterpretation
If loving you forever was considered an occupation
I’d be the first in line to get my ass an application

Ya know…

All my life I’ve been the minority.

Forget skin color…. Forget religion.  I’ve been the minority in life in general.

Let me explain…

It pretty much started back in elementary. I was constantly “shunned” by the “cool kids” because anytime they picked on someone… I kicked their ass. I couldn’t stand there and watch a bigger, stronger kid push around someone who couldn’t defend themselves…Even as young as 2^nd grade, I would find my fists trying to fend off a 6^th grader… and even though a lot of times I was the underdog in the fight.. I would always try to stand for what I felt was right. I never cared if I got my ass kicked or not.. for some reason I just didn’t see how someone could justify beating up another kid because they aren’t as “cool” as they are, so I made sure that my opinion was heard, even if it came to blows.

Even though I truly did stand for what was right.. I soon found myself surrounded by no one. Few people respected me.. but were afraid to hang out with me because they feared being “shunned” too.

So by Jr. High I was pretty much by myself… I remember one night I tagged along with a neighbor to a house just around the corner where a lot of my classmates were playing night games.

Ghost In The Graveyard

And

Kick The Can

As soon as I walked up to the house, the game came to a halt.  The neighbor who ran the night games decided to hold a vote, this vote was to see if I could stay and play with the other kids… or if my fate was to go home. My eyes were suddenly starring at the raised hands of all kids in the neighborhood who wanted me to disappear. Few kids refused to raise their hands, and to this day I remember their faces, but the overwhelming majority had spoken, and teary eyed, I ran back home.

All I ever wanted was for a group of people to call me to hang out. All I wanted was for someone to call me their “friend.”  As bad as I wanted that title… As hungry and as starved as I was for love and compassion. I could never see myself overlooking some of the mean and hateful things that people do to up their “social status” to “cool.”

High School was even worse

College didn’t change

Hell I remember going on a road trip at college. Our roster of 24 people packed into two 15 passenger vans and headed to our destination. When we got there we were all asked to put ourselves into groups of two, to have two players to a room.

3 kids decided to room together

Meaning 1 kid would rather sleep on the floor of a hotel, then room with me

I constantly am asking myself what is wrong with me

Do I not see it?

Should I start to believe that I’m not worth anybody’s time? 

I guess things wouldn’t be so bad if I had family to lean on. But the feeling of “unwanted” rings true even through my own blood.

To my little brother I’m useless… He thinks just because I didn’t play football I’m somehow inferior to him and all the other PoVey’s. Hell.. even to the Howell’s, I don’t think my sisters husband has said 12 words to me since they were married 6 years ago. He will talk to just about anyone… til I get in the room.

So my last resort is my parents…

I’ve tried building a strong relationship with my parents since high school. I know I was a tough kid to raise and I praise them for not giving me up for adoption…

Even though I sometimes butt heads with them, I do know they see that I try to please them with every move I make. I’ve ended relationships, stuck with baseball, earned awards academically and athletically…

 

All because being accepted by my parents is all I have left..

 

Their approval means everything to me.

 

But no matter how hard I try; I feel like my life has been a giant failure…

So who do I turn to now?

 

I guess I can honestly say I’ve never ment to hurt anyone. Even after a fight I always did hope the other kid was OK.. even if I took the bigger beating… I guess I fought to make the kid realize that even if he doesn’t care about nerds or dorks… someone does…

I’ve tried my whole life to make everyone equal…

I’ve fought for people my whole life…

So when is someone going to fight for me?

My whole life I’ve always tried to follow my heart in what I believe is right.. but for some reason that has got me in the insulated position that I see myself in today…

I guess when it all boils down to it… the only opinion that matters is the one starring back in the mirror. But when all you have is the friend in the mirror.. You start to ask yourself questions…

Questions like…

How long can these ears hear silence?

How long can this heart go un-loved?

How much longer can I travel down this path… Before I too… cast my vote… And join all the others who have raised their hand… in the desire of my end….

When my mind releases my intellectual ability
I can tells she’s feelin me

I have her eyes focused on my beliefs

And her thoughts focused on my briefs

But before I go there

Let me tell you how we got here

See I was walking through the mall

Tryin to decide if this new shirt is going to be worth the damage to my checking account

When she walked by she left me with only words of a mime

I stumbled back

And starred at her back

Damn she caught me

I hate it when they catch me

Her fine figure was topped off with a pulled down Red Sox cap

Oh… girls in hats

What is so good about girls in hats?!

I don’t know why they are so sexy..

But this girls love of the Red Sox has turned my head

And honestly… I am a lot of things in this world

But at that moment

I am ANYTHING but a Yankee fan

I followed her into a store to watch her fumble through some racks

I approached her nervously and asked the same question to myself that every guy asks

WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO SAY?

I don’t care if you’re smooth or not

Pimp or not

No guy ever knows how to start a conversation

“Uh.. Nice weather today..”

Little did I know my mumbled sentence was going to get me here

Sitting down across a dinner table from her

A week later

It’s a week cause I had to wait the 3 day period to call

And once you call you have to act like you have better shit to do for 4 days

As if your single ass isn’t dying for a date…

But regardless… a week later

We hang out

And I find myself across a dinner table trying to spill the same bull shit I learned from first dates 101

But what makes me different

Is that I’m a poet

So my words can touch her ear like my tongue will later

My thoughts can entice her mind to open up

So I can see her for who she truly is…

And maybe this time she can touch my mind like no other can

I guess we will see

I guess we will see… What is under that Red Sox cap