Forgetting Who I Am

Pulled into town not to long ago. Unpacked and took up my usual spot on the couch in the basement. My dog was jumping around.. knowing his “dad” was back from a long trip.. I think he was more excited than any of my family memebers.. lol.
As with any time spent away from home… I now have the opportunity to reflect on my time away.. and ask myself the one question I always ask..
“What did I learn”
The last time I stepped through the doors of this home, I was leaving to a place where I knew no one. Most of you who know me, know that, being unfamiliar with my surroundings is nothing new to me.
So, April 30th I walked out the door… And now i’ve just walked back in…
“What did I learn”
Well…
My dad always says to “go get lost, its good for the soul”
I couldn’t agree more. I believe opening yourself, your heart, your mind and your soul to new things can only make you grow. I have been lost my fair share of times in this life… and this experience was no different… I mean.. i loved playing baseball everyday. I loved the fans, the lights, the funny moments, the crazy moments, the exciting and even the terrible…
But through all those things.. what did I learn?

Hmmmm… I can think of a couple things….
One thing I learned was how to sleep in a ball. being a baseball player on the road.. you have to learn how to get your rest whenever you can.. try sticking 35 guys on a bus… each one wanting their own seat.. but only 30 seats available.. ive seen kids on the floor and even kids crammed in the over head bins. i have had my 6 foot 3 body balanced on a seat no bigger than 2 feet and slept like a baby.
But cramming in a ball isn’t all ive learned… I’ve learned that even when you work hard.. sometimes things might not go your way. And soon, you’re faced with a choice. You can either quit, and take what you’ve learned to another path of life. Or you can push through… it might get harder the more you push. but soon you will find that you are not only stronger, but in a much better place than before.
The last lesson I learned was the hardest one of all…
I learned that when things get tough. I try to push away those who I love. I know that I have done this for years… and hurt alot of people in the process. It really isn’t a desire of my heart to hurt people.. but pushing them away during these times can be very hurtful.. and I haven’t seen it til now.
See.. in my eyes.. I push them away cause I feel bad… I feel bad that someone is so happy.. and I am not… I feel like I am dragging them down to my level.. and I would never want to do that. So, in order to protect their happiness.. I push them away until I fix the problem myself.
I have learned that this is not the way to live a life and not a way to have a good relationship with anyone who you love.
I have really learned that even the smallest problem in the world can bring people closer together… I’ve learned that facing my problems alone is not healthy and most of the time end in failure…
My whole life i’ve watched my dad coach.. He would always take the team he was coaching up into the mountains and then have them do small stupid things together.. he would say “the problem is the ground is lava.. touch it you die… grab a rock..’
each kid would grab a rock and then my dad would throw out a couple of them.. so that each kid had to help one another from rock to rock without touching the ground.. with the lack of rocks, some kids found themselves on the same rock as another.. helping each other balance as they moved to the next rock together….. the whole team would use the rock path to get from one side of the camp ground to the other. if every member got across safely.. they could move on to the next “problem”
Most of the time.. the kids who found themselves paired up during these events, had never talked before this trip.. or even got along… and by the time they left… they were friends.. and have been friends ever since..
my WHOLE life i have been watching this and missing the point…
It’s not about how big, small or stupid the problem may look… if you allow the people around you to help you when times get tough… it won’t matter how many rocks get stripped from your path. It won’t matter because when you come to a gap in life.. there will be a hand of someone you trust to help you along the way.
I apologize to all those who i’ve pushed away in my times of trial. i’m sorry it took me 25 years to see that i wasn’t helping you.. i was only hurting the both of us.
I thank all those who were stubborn.. and refused to move no matter how hard i pushed… without you.. i wouldn’t have seen what i was doing.

I guess that is all that i’ve learned since i last walked through these doors… and just like everything in life… it may not seem like much.. but by “small simple means.. great things are brought to pass”

Confidence,
Confidence is something that is needed to be successful in life. Some people just natrually have it when they are born; others fight for it their whole life only to find a small glimps of this precious attitude. 
Someone with true confidence differs from someone without confidence like night differs from day. Someone who holds confidence knows that bad things will happen in life. But they don’t dwell on that knowledge. They don’t worry about the problems because they have the confidence to know that they will fix the problem, and learn a precious lesson during that trial.
A person who lacks confidence expects life to be easy. They expect everything to go their way and they crumble when something becomes difficult.
We as humans have always lived with the slogan ”why me.” If something bad happens they always ask the question, “how could this happen to me?” 
There are very few that have true confidence. A person with true confidence doesn’t ask why me. He asks, what do I need to learn, and is patient with the situation trying to find what good can come of it. 
Many people fear confidence because of the small line that borders cockyness. For me, I think it is worth flirting with the line. Don’t get me wrong, I know that most people are cocky because they are scared. They are scared of who they truely are, so they put up a curtain to hide themselves from the world. But I truely believe that if we even act confident.. It is better than nothing.    

I know that most of you don’t play baseball.. or even understand it.. and honestly are probably tired of me talking about it.. but baseball can teach us many great lessons… and confidence is one of them… so please.. i beg you to hear me out with an open heart…

Deep down inside me I know that baseball is just a game.. Its only a peice of wood.. and a ball of yarn wrapped in leather. I know that a kid standing on a hill of dirt.. throwing a ball at another kid standing in a box lined in chalk sounds silly and pointless… but if we look deep into the meaning behind the actions.. you will see the lessons it teaches…

Many times in a baseball players career… He is asked to step to the plate to win a ball game. His music begins to play… The announcer calls out his name and 10,000 people begin to scream…
If you are on the road… They scream for you to strike out…
If you are at home… They scream for you to be a hero…
As I step to the plate in this situation I try to do one thing… I try to make my body language louder than the crowd. I try to have my confidence show through me. A person who looks confident can put belief in those who want to believe.. and doubt in the minds who believe in the pitcher…
So even if my heart is racing.. my hands shaking… and my ears aching from the noise.. I try to act confident.. I try to be as cool as a fall breeze…

One big lesson that I have learned in these situations is that I am not ever at home or on the road… I am not facing a pitcher… The crowd doesn’t exist and the only person I am facing is myself…
I know that as I stride to the plate.. I am alone..
There are no fans..
No pitcher..
No catcher or umpire…
No teammates or coaches..
I’m alone…

I stand alone facing the one question that separates success from failure… Do I believe in myself?

See.. I know that as I step into that box… alone…. my attitude will reflect my performance.

But I also know that my performance will not be judged by winning or losing the game…

See.. Alot of people don’t know what it takes to truely win something… They think who won the game is reflected in the final score…
But not to me…

I believe that it is easy to be a pitcher… you control what you throw.. when you throw it.. and where you throw it… you control the pitch.. and the tempo of the game… you know a hitters weakness and how to exploit it…

It’s easy to be confident when you are in control…

But as a hitter.. you have no control. You know that the pitcher is going after your weaknesses.. but you can’t worry about what you can’t do.. But instead know what you can do.. and know what you’re capable of.. All you can do is prepare yourself to hit.. and swing at whatever pitch life decides to hand you. You can’t worry about what happens when you swing.. you can’t worry about a great pitch or a diving catch.. the only thing you can think of….is knowing that you have worked hard enough to have what it takes to compete..

I truely believe that when you are called upon to show what you are made of….
Even if you must face the problem alone…
Even if the odds aren’t in your favor..
Even if when you look at it… it is 9 vs. 1…..
If you can have all these trials in your face.. and still stride to the plate with true confidence…
To me… You have already won the game…