Forgetting Who I Am

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I have to get something off my chest.

I have been writing for about ten years and have had this blog for about three. During that time I’ve learned that if I ever need anyone to talk to or vent to, my notebook is always there. I have posted many things that are artistic, some that are more of a journal and others that are just down right personal.

Those of you who truly know me, know that for the past three years I have not been myself. At times you can catch a glimpse of the true Tycen, but for the most part I honestly have not been me.

I have been trying to turn my life around for the better, and lately I’ve been doing a pretty good job… But just like everyone else, I mess up…

Just a few lines up I told you how if I ever needed anyone to talk to, my notebook was always there… sometimes I would get upset at people, or myself, or just a frustrating situation; and I’d take it out on my notebook. To many this is a good way of dealing with things, a healthy way, but when something is personal, I shouldn’t make it public.

I don’t mind if I say things personal about me, cause that is MY choice what I want you guys to know, but when I bring other peoples business to my blog, I’m just asking to hurt someone, and that’s not who I am.

Of course, just like any normal life, things have gone wrong for me from time to time. I know that I’ve butted heads with people and upset them like they have upset me. Sometimes I’ve been wrong, sometimes they’ve been wrong…

I know I’m not perfect and ESPECIALLY lately I’ve been trying to know that I’m not perfect but yet still push myself toward perfection. I know it won’t ever happen, but if we’re supposed to spend our time on this earth being like Jesus, then I MUST at least try.

One thing I’ve learned over the past three years is that when I mess up, god will always forgive me, he will forgive what I’ve done, forget it, and he will help me through it. That’s pretty amazing considering the fact that I hold big grudges for dumb reasons. If my little brother drinks the last bit of milk, I’ll be mad at him for a day.

We all have faults, we’re all trying to work on them everyday…

So I guess I’m writing this blog to all those whom I’ve hurt since I haven’t been me. I apologize for what I’ve done and the mean things I’ve wrote.

If you notice I have deleted my last post titled “BRAT” because this was a personal issue that I shouldn’t have made public. I apologize for that.

Like I said, I have been trying to clean up my life, and if god can forgive me for all the things I do, I can forgive others as well. He asks us to be very forgiving to one another and if someone hits you to “turn the other cheek.”

With that being said, I do forgive all the people that have hurt me in the past. I forgive their actions, their words and I forgive them in hopes that they, in turn, can forgive me too. I know that even when I was right, there were things I did and said that were wrong. So I do sincerely apologize…

Just know that the true Tycen is right around the corner, he’s pushing to get out and has been hidden from the world for too long.

But I’m here, I’m trying my best to do what is right, I know what the right thing to do is to always be quick to forgive those who oppress me, for I too, will always need to embrace the true blessing, of forgiveness. 

As I arise I glance to the window to see the sun trying to push through my blinds. Excitement begins to take over my body, finally, sun. Sunshine brings many things to the world, but to me, the sun finally unveiling its face after hiding for so long can only mean one thing; baseball season. Sunshine digs its way through the snow that Mother Nature has placed across the ground and finds its way to the grass. Finally I can see something green, no more white snow, no more ice filled roads, but now the beauty of mother nature that has been draped in white can now seep through and begin to renew itself.

I guess that is why I love spring so much, it’s not just the crack of a wood bat, the feel of newly stitched seems across your fingers or even the beautiful aroma of pine tar… it’s the chance of renewal. During the fall, beautiful trees and flowers begin die and winter covered everything almost as if to say “we need some rest.”  But now, as the sun melts away the winter and spring begins to show its face, we begin to see a whole new world that reveals itself right before our eyes.

To me, this is also how god works. He sees the beauty within us, he sees how “green” or “pure” we are. And even though we may be very good, he sees how he can make us stronger. He puts us through trials that will sometimes feel hard, almost as if we are “wilting away” he will cover us when we need rest and be there for comfort, then, when the time is right, he will shine his everlasting light upon us, and soon we will find that the hard times of the fall and winter has made us stronger. We have been faced trials, made it through the cold and survived the toughest storms, and now god finds us ready to face the world again. After the tough times you now see that your trunk is stronger, your roots are deeper and your leaves are greener…

And now we’re off into the world, getting a clean slate, a new life and a stronger hope.. And even though we enjoy the beauty of spring, there is something deep inside us, that can’t wait to hold gods hand through winter.