Forgetting Who I Am

Desire sparked
In talent untapped
Causes success to grow
But the crowd won’t clap
Decisions of the future
His soul feels trapped
Now travels alone
In land unmapped
Now turning his back
Toward the place he called home
Where many have come
Where many have grown
He asks unanswered questions
About how to do thy will
Will he go? Will he stay?
The crowd lay still
A book of hope
Lay dormant in his dorm
A truth promised to him
Since he was born
To bear witness to lost souls
His privilege of years to come
Taking the badge off his chest
Won’t mean his work is done
Decisions within his heart
Still remains unclear
Just make the decision
That satisfies the mirror
Now with folded arms
Kneel down by your bed
And thank the lord above
For blue sky’s ahead  
Lean not unto thy own understanding
And the lord will direct thee
Just close your eyes and trust him
“He will have faith in me”
And when life seems cloudy
And the battle seems like it can’t be won
Smile and thank the lord above
For blue sky’s are about to come

Through evil lips

Seep words of deceit

Behind the back of knowledge

Straight to the ears of sheep

Blindly led by justice

With her unbalanced scale

Promises to us now broken

Ironically like the Liberty Bell

A move of protection

That left us unprotected

The disease called death

Our country now infected

No regret of your actions

You don’t look back like Lot ’s wife

Instead of stopping our tragic loss

You decided to waste more lives

No remorse for the fallen

No help to dry these tears

Cries to stop from mothers

Only fall upon def ears
So now we sit in sorrow

As you convince yourself of false facts

You may live in a house of white

But your soul’s still black 

Inspired by “Paint it white”
By Jason PoVey
www.jasonpovey.blog.com

I try to express myself through hate, love and fear
But my writing is written for more than the mirror

I write to touch the lives of the def and the blind

Not by ear or sight, but by state of mind

For those with no hope, in whom I can relate

Who will stumble across my words by some twist of fate

Who are pierced by my pen, straight to their heart

As a testament to them, poetry is more than just art

My words aren’t Shakespearian and they’ll never be biblical

But this form of expression to me, is more than critical

My words like a sunset to the blind, beauty that’s unseen

Forever locked up and laid to rest like a dying king

These unfinished feelings will forever go unheard

Unless I stand clever and put together every verse
So everyday I think of those who need help in their life

With my heart set on sympathetic my hand starts to write

I write for the new kid, like me, who doesn’t fit in a click

For the girl who thinks the only was to be skinny is to make herself sick

For the lost, the hopeless, the violent, the wild

For the weak, the faithless, the lonely middle child
I write to you until my ink runs dry from this pen

For those who’ve lost love and believe they’ll never see it again
I write to you because I know you aren’t where you should be

I write to you because you… remind me.. of me

       I’ve let a lot of you into my life. I’ve said things on this blog that I’ve never told anyone before. I’ve let all of you read who I truly am and let you read a lot of poetry that I hold very close to me. So, if I were to say that I don’t think much of myself, I doubt any of you would be shocked. I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me and I refuse to throw a pity party. I just don’t think very highly of myself; is that wrong?

     I guess it’s because I have been through so much, seen so much and know so much that I honestly should be a better person than I am. My stupidity sometimes amazes me. I just don’t understand myself, which is a very bad thing.

      I have this friend. I don’t know if he reads this so I won’t drop his name, but just to be safe we’ll call him Frank.  I met Frank when I was in 7th grade. At that age I was bigger and stronger than anyone in my grade, but he was intimidating because he was the only kid that compared to me physically. At first, we hated each other, in fact, one of the first times we were ever around each other we got in a fist fight and beat the shit out of each other. After we beat each other up, we dusted ourselves off and walked home together.  I know it seems weird but after guys fight each other they always become friends. I know this shocks the female race but it’s something I can’t explain. Regardless if you win, lose or tie. After a good fight with a guy, you respect him for standing his ground. Ever since that day we have been inseparable. I have considered Frank to be my best friend of all time. He has always been honest, upfront and real, which is really hard to find these days. I knew if I ever needed anyone to talk to, hang out with, or have my back in a fight, Frank was ALWAYS there. Going into high school Frank started to take a different route of life, I could see it earlier than high school, but that’s when it started to get bad. He started hangin out with the wrong crowd and getting into the wrong situations. Since I was his best friend, I was very concerned about him. I have always seen him as the great kid that I see him to be. I know he doesn’t know it, I know he gave up long ago on his faith. But still to this day when I see him around, I can look at his face and see a small light shining through his eyes, begging to come out. It’s weird when you’re on the outside. You can see things other people can’t. Like I said, I know Frank doesn’t see the strong, spiritual kid that I see him to be, but that’s because he has given up on himself.

     My entire life I’ve been an outcast. Most of you who know me, know that all through school I wasn’t really anything. I wasn’t a jock, I wasn’t Mr. Popular, I wasn’t a bully and I wasn’t a dork. I just was kind of, there. It started in elementary when I saw a jock picking on a kid that was half his size. I stood up for the smaller kid and actually ended up beating the shit out of the jock. That wasn’t the only time, all the way through high school it didn’t matter who you were, if you wanted to fight someone half your size, you had to fight me too.. and everyone knew that.

     I would’ve thought that after high school I would’ve met some new friends and put my past of being just “there” behind me. But I was wrong; me and Frank have a lot more in common than I thought.

    I slowly started getting pushed out of circles of people and pretty soon found myself on my own. I started to see the light in my eyes dim over the years as frustration, anger and loneliness started to take its toll on me. I could see now how Frank felt. Which made ME even feel worse because I kept thinking, was I not a good enough friend to him?

     I just don’t understand people. If I don’t think much of myself then why do people have to push me even farther down then I already am? Some kids say ‘I hate the way you hold yourself on the baseball field.”  That shocks me more than anything, why would any of my teammates hate the way I play baseball? I’m ALWAYS very positive with them and I ALWAYS want to win. So what is bad about that? I’ve heard.. we don’t like you cause you’re cocky.. well.. you’re damn right I’m cocky. I’m good too.. you don’t know how good I am? I’ll tell ya.. you don’t believe me? I’ll show ya.. I know for a fact I can go to just about any D1 in the nation and start behind the plate. I’ve seen the catching at the D1 level, I’ve seen the catching in the minor leagues and honestly, I’m not impressed. I think the team this year doesn’t understand the mentality of a winner. No you don’t have to be a COCKY JERK.. no, that’s not needed, but you do need to have a sense of arrogance about you. Cocky, confident, arrogant, call it what you want, but that mentality has made me a three time All-American.. can you argue with that title? I didn’t think so.

    So hate me, all you people who don’t understand winning and don’t understand how to be successful in life, hate me. When it comes to being on the field, my mentality is far above any other, I think that’s why my game is also far above any other. And now that I think of it, maybe me and Frank should use that mentality off the field as well. Maybe that would fix a lot of our problems of feeling hopeless and unworthy. The only problem is, I don’t know how to get there mentally once I step on the other side of the chalk. Cause once I step on the foul part of that white line, to me, I’m just another face in the crowd.