Forgetting Who I Am

I know i’m supposed to continue my story.. and i will.. tomorrow.. :) 

as for now i’m just writing to tell those who have been there at my games.. THANK YOU.. You have no idea how much this season has been stressin me out.. This being my senior year, with all the hype and all the rehab and time and effort.. its been a long road seeing who WILL and WON’T support me.. On monday i’ll toe the rubber for the first time EVER starting in a college game as a pitcher.. i’ve started as a catcher, first basemen and a DH.. and i’ve pitched.. but only closed.. and now.. for the first time since high school.. i will step on the mound as a starter.. So i hope to see yall out there helpin me get my first win.. anyway i just wanted to thank all those who truely support me.. anytime i step on the field and hear “go tag” it makes everything so much better. so, to all you people.. THANK YOU..  

Never have I known something so much as I did that day. I remember sitting on top of a roof with my sister’s husband, Nick, who handed me the cell phone “It’s your mom” he said. I grabbed the phone and heard the joy in my mom’s voice. “It’s here Tycen, your call is here.”

Before I go on any further let me explain what a call is.  See, in my church, we have the choice to go on what is called a mission. People everywhere, all across the world have seen the Mormons riding on their bikes or walking down the street, dressed in a suit and tie and wearing a name tag on their chest. That is what I wanted to do, I wanted to teach others what I believed. When you make the decision to go on a mission it is, or should be, your decision. YOURS.. between YOU and GOD.. Some people try to go out to impress their girlfriends or family and it makes me sick.. you can really tell when you are out there who WANTS to be there and who is just trying to float by for two years.

Anyway, when you finally make that decision you put in what are called your “papers” basically this is like a college application. It’s who you are, where you’re from etc. etc. Once you mail your papers to church head quarters, they mail you back what is called “a call” because you are “called” to teach in a certain area of the world. Currently the church has missionaries in 130 countries, so basically you can be called to just about anywhere in the world and you have no say in where you go. Getting your call is a big deal.. because obviously it contains where you are headed for the next two years of your life.

So back to my story.. My call arrived at the house, as I hung up with my mom I KNEW for sure I was headed to
Italy. For some reason I had always loved Italy, the history, the pictures, the culture.. I remember praying how much I wanted to go to Italy. I just KNEW I was heading there.. the rest of the day I wasn’t even worried about it, I knew where I was going.. I didn’t even have to open my call.

I got home and friends and family flooded my house. Everyone started making bets on where I was headed.. I looked at the envelope on the table and once again I knew I was right..

I opened my call and began to read..

Elder PoVey.. you are now being called by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to teach the people of…

My eyes read the next two words but my mind and heart didn’t believe it. I remember sitting there as my heart sunk into my stomach and doubt began to cloud my mind..

to teach the people of… Nashville, Tennessee

Nashville? I can’t be called to Nashville.. I can go anywhere within the world and I get called to Nashville? Can’t I call someone? This has got to be a mistake.. I want to learn a different language and see different cultures and people and baptize 50 people a month like Nick did in Brazil.. I can’t go to NASHVILLE.. that’s the BIBLE BELT.. no one will listen to me!

That night I prayed to god to let me know that was the right decision for me. Cause I really was struggling with the fact that I was bound to stay inside the US.. Does god not trust me to learn another language? Does he not think I am a good enough missionary to go across the globe?

I prayed and prayed and prayed.. but god.. being the 4^th watch god.. he didn’t answer.. he let me go out on my journey so that I could learn what I know now.. with his help.. through great and wonderful experiences..

(To be continued..)  

Dear Shawn,

It’s been too long

Ya need to pick up the phone and call your mom

It’s been awhile man,

And I don’t know what’s wrong

But you’re my son, so I’d like to know what’s going on

How are ya buddy?

Me and mom are so proud

You grew up real quick and just moved right out

You’ve got your head on right, son

That’s something to stand tall about

You’re going to be ok kid, in you I have no doubt

I hope you’re doin well

Your sister says to call her

You wouldn’t recognize your little brother

He’s gotten so much taller

But I’ve got to go now

Is there anything I can do?

Let me know,

Love your dad

P.S. I really do love you

Dear Mom,

Why does dad think he can write me?

The thought of that asshole is what keeps me up nightly

How can I respond to someone who always fights me?

How can he say he loves me?

He doesn’t even like me

So what’s he doin now?

Tryin to finally be a father?

Realizin he’s got two sons and a beautiful blonde daughter?

Maybe this year she won’t have hand prints all across her

Tell him he’s too late

Don’t even bother

As for his letter

I didn’t believe it one bit

His words like his boots, smelled like bull shit

Did he really call me buddy?

That word just doesn’t fit

He should call me what I am

The little kid he used to hit

But how are you mom?

Dad told me you’re proud

How can you smile for your boy when I just moved out?

I’m only seventeen mom

I’m scared and all alone

I’m workin two jobs just so I can get away from home

The first pays the rent

And most of the bills

The second pays for my addiction to those white little pills

I know I said I quit

I’m sorry, don’t get pissed

Just the more I get fucked up

The less I have to really deal with this

Enclosed is some money I’ve saved

Please put it to good use

Don’t let dad touch it

Or contribute to his alcohol abuse

You know you deserve better

You can walk away mom

But what do I know, I’m just a kid

All my love

Shawn

Dear Shawn,

You really need to cut your dad some slack

We’ve all messed up

At least he’s tryin to take it back

Your words are so angry

Hurtful and black

I think maybe it would help if you’d just relax

Anyway, thank you for the money

That little helped a lot

You’ve always been such a giving heart

And sharing all that you’ve got

It was good to hear you’re doin well
Know that you’re still my little Shawn

Be good, Be safe

Love always, your mom

Dear Journal,

I figured I’d take this opportunity

To let you know what these pills do to me

They help me deal with the daily chores

But I can’t do this shit

Not anymore

So here is my confession to you

It’s the last I’ll ever write

I may be in jail for awhile

Locked up real tight

My father’s back to givin beatings

And it’s my time to give

Anyone who touches my family

Doesn’t deserve to live

So make sure you keep my words sacred

Bound inside your leather back

Cause I’m about to end all of this

And I’m bound to never come back

As I write these words

I can’t hear you beg me to stop

I know you understand me journal

You’re the only friend I’ve got

Speak well of me friend

My true colors lay within you

You’ve been there for years dear friend

I’ll never forget you

Shawn