Forgetting Who I Am

Sweet breeze
Cozy sun
More than happy the cold is done
With springs touch
The earth shines
Clouds tuck themselves away for some time
Smells of the grill
Buttered corn
For this reason I was born
Fresh cut grass
Thousands scream
This all pains me as I miss my dream

I walked quickly up into the woods to find a quiet place to sit. My hands shook as I held the envelope so tight. Further and further away from everyone and everything… i really wanted it to be quiet and peaceful… i wanted the contents of this letter to be between me, god and my loving parents who wrote the letter. I finally got to the point where all i could hear was the sound of the leaves beneath my feet, the wind talking through the trees and the birds singing their thanks to god for such a beautiful day.
I knelt to pray and asked god that i would have a soft heart. I asked him that no matter what this letter said i would heed to my parents council and do what i felt they wanted me to do. A soft warmth fell over my body and i knew regardless of my attemps.. i wasn’t alone. I ended my prayer and sat down leaning up against a tree.. my hands quickly opening the letter given to me by my dad…
See, i was 14 years old.. I wasn’t much different than your average 14 year old. I listened to music my parents hated, fought with them about who my friends were and when curfew was… I was known to start a fight here and there with my little brother. Being 14 you dread going on trips… for some reason you just would rather stay at home and play video games during the summer… being crammed in a car for 5 hours with the exact people you deal with every day just never seems to sound very enticing. This trip was no different. I had to travel 8 hours with my church to the middle of no where to pull hand carts 50 miles. yes, i fought against it and i didn’t want to go. Of course i lost the battle and soon found myself in the middle of the desert pulling a hand cart with 200 people from my church… ya i know.. the excitment overwhelmed me. But with all that aside.. the very first night we stayed we wrote a couple letters. The first was to our parents, it could tell them anything we wanted.. from how much we love them to how bad we hated them for dragging us out on this trip. The second was a letter to god. Although i was old enough to know that the post office stopped delivering to heaven around the same time they stopped sending letters to the north pole.. i actually jumped at the opportunity. i sat quietly as my hand worked with the pen as if i was writing a beautiful symphony. I could see my friends letters… all they were was peices of paper with drawings and “I HATE THIS” written all over them.. but not me.. i took it serious. I guess i had a lot of questions at that time and i knew only one man could solve them… and maybe, just maybe, if i wrote them down.. he’d take a peek at maybe helpin me out. We gave our letters to our church leaders for safe keeping.. and the very next day the letters from our parents were delivered to us.
And now i found my self leaning up against that tree… quickly opening the envelope from my parents… wondering what exactly they had to say to me…
“Tag,
I first just wanted to tell you how much i love you, how much i care about you and how much you mean to me. Tag, you always know how to make me and your mom smile. Everyday you make me laugh either with your witty comments or your perfect impersonation of Jim Carrey. You are a very important part to this family and i know your brothers and sisters look up to you very much.”
Tears began to fill my eyes.. being a trouble making 14 year old you very rarely get to hear words like that from your parents. I actually got very used to the words “you’re grounded”…. but not today.. today my mom and dad were pouring out to me why they care about me. I actually took a moment to wipe away the tears before i continued my letter…
“Tag, we know that there are many trials and decisions coming up in your life. We know that some of them we’ve tried to talk to you about and some we want you to decide whats best for you. Just know Tag that you have a Father in heaven who loves you unconditionally, he cares for you and wants you to succeed just like me and your mom do. We know that you are very talented in many areas.. and no matter what you decide to do whether it be school, sports or a mission.. know that we are behind you 100%. Know that no matter what, study the scriptures. Keep those words close to you in your life.. Keep saying your prayers every night.”
I couldn’t go on.. i broke down in tears and began to soak the letter with tears of love and joy. How i had longed to hear those words from my parents. It gets old hearing “clean your room”.. its nice to hear that they love you. I guess words can speak louder than actions.. As i sat there trying to finish the letter i felt that warmth again.. I wasn’t sure if it was a beem of sunlight peeking through the trees… or if it was an angel giving me a hug… but i’d like to think it was the angel.
I couldn’t believe how this letter had already began to change my life. My parents words cut right through me. All i could think about was how much i cared about my family… how i was getting so caught up in my day to day rountine that i wasn’t enjoying what god had given me. I know that my letter to god was sealed and unread. But trust me.. with the soothing words of love and peace from my parents.. all my questions and concerns were answered as if my mom and dad were standing over me as i wrote my letter.
I packed the tear soaked letter back into the envelope and sat weeping as i tried to pray to god. I thanked him a thousand times for my family and asked him to guide me in all my doings. My heavy breathing didn’t allow me to say much but soon my angel was with me again and calmed my tears…
I couldn’t believe how much ink on a paper could change my life.. but it did.. and i will forever keep that letter with me wherever i go to remind me of what i was so close to never knowing…

I set three alarms cause i never get up on time.  The first goes off…  it seems so routine for me to shut off, i can basically do it while i’m still asleep.  The second is a reminder that another is on the way and as i toss and turn.. the minutes fly by and the third finally rises me to my feet.
Stretching, looking around the room, thinking about the meaning of my dream, or wait.. can i remember my dream.  My eyes filled with the sleeping dust of the sand man as i rub them and proceed to the shower.  Out and refreshed, i begin to dry my body that i am so self concious about.. i hate my body.. i quickly wrap it up with a towel as i think about what i have to do for the day.
School, working out and i have a paper due… wow.. i begin to realize that everyday is the same.. it has been for years.
Then it hits me… i realize this is another day without her. Another day i mourn as i miss her existance.. i miss her smile, her laugh, the way she’d shake her head at me when i was trying to make her smile.  Oddly enough i miss her parents.. missing them is beyond odd cause i know they don’t miss me. in fact i don’t think one human being could hate another as much as her parents hate me… why? cause i’m a kid? cause i mess up? your daughter isn’t perfect either! but their blind stares seem to cut through me like a razor… like this razor.. this razor i hold in my hand as i think about what i miss.
ah… i look back into the mirror and try to convince myself that i’m past that
I begin to use the razor for what i need as i trim the shadow that sits on my face.  i trim up and give a smile into the mirror as i see the final product… “are you really ugly?” i ask myself as i think about why i never get girls.. or better yet.. when i do get them.. why doesn’t it ever work out?
I go to my closet and grab the first jack johnson shirt and pair of jeans i see.. pull the hat down low so no one can see my eyes… eyes are a window to the soul.. the last thing i need is someone knowing who i am. let them spread rumors about this and that. sometimes i laugh at what people will come up with when they don’t know you… some people just always have to have an answer for everything and everyone… not me.. no one knows me. My hat on tight and low i make sure no one can see my soul. i hide it. yes i hide it because i’m ashamed.. but i also hide it cause i don’t want everyone to know me. “You wanna know me?” talk to me. be REAL with me when you tell me about you. everytime i think i know someone they flip on me… they end up being someone else… i’m sick of fake people.. be real if you’re going to be anything at all..
Its about time to grab something from the kitchen, the bare fridge haunts me as i open it.. go to the cubboards and back to the fridge hoping that something new will magically appear in there. For some reason its always empty… poor college students… I end up just eating a slice of toast and take my diet pills… told you i hated my body.. then i begin to look over my notes for class… its not notes i took in class… these are notes i wrote myself from the book… see.. i dread this class cause my teacher is a moron… this class has no structure.. i mean everytime we have a debate about ANYTHING..  it has nothing to do with the class.. then we have a test next class period about things we haven’t talked about yet… “yah.. this is worth my 500 bucks a credit”
I grab two socks… don’t care if they match… i try not to worry about little things.. makes life simple.. simple is good. i can’t be happy if i’m running around the house trying to match a sock my shoe will cover anyway…  i start to put on my shoes that have been laced across my feet for almost a year now… they are beat up but they get the job done…
I grab my notebook filled with ideas and poetry. I grab this cause i know i’ll be sitting in the back of class trying to write another poem or write down an idea i can’t forget… No need to grab my class book.. like i said my dumbass teacher never talks about class.. she’ll ramble on about how bush is a genius or a new word her grandkid just learned. like i said… no structure.
I grab the door knob and turn. i stop, sigh and realize that i’m about to start another day.. another lonely, self concious filled with bull shit day. How i wish things would work out for me… how i wish that once.. just once i would get the benifit of the doubt. How i wish that i could set a goal, work as hard as i do and actually reap the benifits… I wish my hard work in the weight room would pay off so i could go to the pool over the summer… how i wish i could put something of worth in my book of poetry.. How  i wish a teacher could challenge me intellectually… how i wish i could stop trying to convince myself i’m over her and just be done with it…I shake my head as she once did and laugh at my life…
I shut the door and pull my hat down real tight… no one knows me… no one..

Quickly bounce to your feet if you fall
If you ever do make an error
Forget it
Remembering your flaws will only scare you to mess up again
Thinking too much can be very bad
Not thinking enough will eventually catch up to you
Be steady
Have the same approach
Yet make slight adjustments each time to make yourself better
Don’t be scared to let it fly
Be aggressive
Be assertive
Never show fear
Don’t walk cause you can’t teach hustle
Hustle is something you earn through hard work
Practice doesn’t make perfect
Perfect Practice breeds consistancy
Winning isn’t everything
It’s the ONLY thing
When there seems to be too much going on
Make sure you atleast get one thing out of the way
Have your own style
Know that there isn’t a right way to do everything
But try to do everything the right way
Never lose hope
Anything can happen
It’s better to be 110% wrong
Then to stop and try to back track your decision
Be loose
Be smooth
The softer your mind and body
The more succesful you’ll be
When doing work with others
Put eveything behind until the job is done
Personal differences CAN currupt a job
There is a fine line between confident and cocky
Know that line well
Listen to your leader
Regardless if they are right or wrong
They are your leader
Listen
Now.. to many it may be just a game
But if it wasn’t for this game
I wouldn’t have learned what I know
About life

You may not agree and it may sound lame
But every relationship is always the same
She wants and wants and then she needs
I try and try but can never succeed
She keeps askin if i’ll be romantic
But I can’t help but notice her boobs are gigantic
She holds my hand like she’ll never free me
I’m just hopin none of my boys see me
Around the mall she’ll walk ten miles
Just so she can have the latest styles
From one store to another she’ll never stop
I’m carryin her bag like a damn bellhop
Gone all day to buy her attire
A sacrafice I make cause its what she desires
When we going shopping she’s constantly wired
But when I kiss her neck all of a sudden she’s “tired”
My boys don’t exsist but I have to deal with her friends
I’ll punch her best friend before i’ll talk to her again
She needs to understand and needs to learn
That our business is none of her concern
I wish this relationship didn’t exsist like Kris Kringle
I’m ready to go back to the life of being single
So now the dreaded break up takes place
Sayin “its not you i just need some space”
The moment its over you feel so much better
But when you break up everyone gets together
Leavin you alone all by yourself
Now you start searchin for anyone else
You play it cool tryin not to be overzealous
You need to find someone better so your x will be jealous
You find someone new and she seems to be fun
But she’s a carbon copy of the last one
You don’t find this out til its too late
Who she seemed turned out to be so fake
Its all the same and I get so pissed
That I take a perfect swing and yet I still miss
I’m done talkin to girls this is so lame
DAMN she’s fine… hey, whats your name?

I know you don’t know me..  But i had to write you. You see, i have watched you and listened to you for years.  I must say, you amaze me. I know there are so many critics who wanted to see you fail. So many people trying to take you down and take a big chunk of your money in the process. But you stayed tall… you flew straight, well about as straight as one can fly in your position. I saw you take all that hatred and all the bull shit you were going through and you put it into a sweet poem that touched my ears. A lonely kid hailing from the religious state listening to your “devil music” and it touched my heart. I don’t think you’re the devil, i don’t think you’re a bad person. i do think that people who say such lies are cowards who are afraid of whats different. I mean, its not everyday a white kid comes out of detroit and makes such an impact on the music industry. You are the only legend thats alive, and i praise you for that. I can’t tell you how many times i listend to your cd, over and over and over again. Listening to all the lyrics, trying to hear EXACTLY what you wanted to say. You are such an artist… i can’t imagine even having half your talent. This letter may never see your eyes. I may never even hear you speak another lyric again in my life. But i’m telling you, that just incase you do ever read this. Thank you. Thank you so much for getting me through so many times. I know my friends and family are reading this thinking i’m crazy. But seriously i don’t know how many times i’d throw on your cd and be inspired to write. I started writing my own stuff for two reasons… one was blood related and he’s always been an example. The other came through envy and inspiration of your words.
I hear that you won’t come back.. i hear that you are out of the game. Well… i wish you wouldn’t go. I wish you could stay around and tell everyone else that writing a song shouldn’t be about how expensive your car is or what kind of watch you have. but instead it should be a personal approach.. something you hold dear… something meaningful. You honestly are one of the only poets left… please don’t leave us… but… i guess if you have to go… take with you this thanks i offer. your words from your world have helped me more than you will ever know.

Hey commander and cheif
You ready to speak?
How many more kids do you want dyin in the street?
I tap my feet
Losin so much sleep
Kids six feet deep
Cause oils what you seek
I remember the hour
Of the two towers
I couldn’t believe the nerve of those cowards
I cried alone for hours
In the shower
Thinkin of ways to take back the power
Kill the clan
Kill the Taliban
Kill the head man
In Afghanistan
All I wanted was to get them back
But the Taliban’s in Afghanistan
So why invade Iraq?
I guess no more oil we could produce
So you used 9/11 as an excuse
Talkin about weapons of mass destruction
You wiped out the whole city and you found NOTHIN
Saddam… you got em… you got em
Now answer this, where the hell is Bin Laden?
Isn’t he the one who planned the attacks?
The one responsible for all the hi-jacks?
Am I right? Did I get my facts?
So why invade Iraq and not look back?
You think you can just bomb without our concent?
Cause what you’re doin doesn’t make any sense
You ask every country for help
They would if you didn’t make an ass of yourself
Anyone with half a brain
Can see all you want is money and fame
To me you are worthless and shouldn’t bother
A man who trys but will never be his father
The President who was way deep in problems
Then killed a bunch of kids cause he thought oil would solve them
You are why our country has totally de-railed
Congratulations Mr. President….Mission Failed