Forgetting Who I Am

Wow… where do I start.. Jason has been such an example to me. I remember as a little kid, all i wanted to do was be like Jason. What was he wearing, what music did he listen to? Everything he did influenced me in everyway. I loved when he allowed me to hang out with his buddy’s when we’d go fishin or rabbit hunting.. I was so grateful to get chances to hang with my older brother.. i savored the times we weren’t fighting.
I think the biggest thing i rememeber about my brother came when i was 18 years old. I was out at college and had just announced to my family that i was going to serve a mission for my church.
One day i opened up an email that was sent from my brother, who, at the time; was about 2,000 miles from me. But the impact he made in my life made him feel as close as he has ever been.
I opened the email expecting to see “hey how ya doin.” Expecting the regular pointless emails we send to see how one another was doing.
But i was wrong, dead wrong. As i opened the email it began with telling me how much he looked up to me for my decision. he told me about his life, his regrets and how proud he was of me for laying down my life to the lord. Although i don’t remember words.. i do remember the feeling i got from that letter. Tears filled my eyes as i read the last few lines that wished me luck and told me how much he was going to support my decision. For once.. once in my life.. i finally felt like a brother. I finally saw his love for me that i never knew exsisted.
To this day me and my brother, Jason, continue to grow together as we are half a country from one another. His writings and his beliefs inspire me in ways that i can’t put into words. he’s amazing. there are thousands of words to describe this strong human being.. but i will stick with amazing. His writing is such that will go down forever and will be quoted hundreds of years from now.. and his beleifs about government, religion and life will forever live with me..
To put everything into a few words…
Jason.. I love ya bro.

I have to vent. That probably makes me sound like a chick but hey.. sometimes we all have to just say something so it gets out of our system.
Those of you who know me know that i am about to go through a very serious surgery. Not serious as in “life threatening” but serious as in.. there is a chance i’ll never pick up a baseball again. Now.. ever since i was two i knew i wanted to be a pro athlete. As i grew up.. baseball became my love. My goal for a very long time has been to play professional baseball.. i hate bragging or talkin about myself.. but seriously.. this year was probably going to be the year i was going to get a chance to do so. I am constantly getting letters and phone calls from scouts of professional teams, getting write ups in the paper and everywhere i turn on campus i’m known to the students, faculty and coach’s as the kid who’s going to lead this team to the world series.. Sounds like a lot of pressure.. but to be honest i deal well with pressure.. makes me focus… I don’t like when things are easy. i’d rather hit off someone throwing 98 then someone throwin 50…i LOVE competition.
Now being that this year put so much “pressure” onto me.. yes it upsets me to know i have to sit out a year. It sucks.. it really does suck to know you’ve worked your whole life to get something.. and its SO close to grabbing.. then it just slips away as if it never knew you.
Knowing my situation.. you might all think i’m insane.. and i am.. but to be honest… i’m kind of happy… not happy in a sense of “yah i’m hurt!” But more along the lines of.. “i’m alive”
This blog was started to help people who are or are going to be in the same situations i’v been through.. kind of let you know.. you aren’t alone.. But what i’ve come to learn is that its helped me more than anything. Remember when i wrote “my apologies”?  I was going through a time where nothing seemed real.. everything was “gray” in a sense. when i got hurt.. it reminded me what feelings are like.. a couple nights last week i crawled into bed.. and cried myself to sleep and i’d wish that god could come down and heal my arm for my senior season. I had become so numb to everything i had honestly forgotton how to care so much about something. I did the usual “why me” routine that came to a quick hault when i remembered my own words.. when i wrote ”dear mom” i remember talking about this same situation.. i remembered sayin “its ok.. everything will be ok”  i’ve had other peoples words strike me before.. but never my own..
I guess i’ve come to the conclusion that ya.. shit happens.. sometimes you can overlook it and sometimes it hits you like a semi doin 80. Yes.. it sucks.. i won’t sit here and tell you that i’m going to enjoy rehabing my arm for a year and trying to teach myself how to throw again. I’m sure i’ll struggle with it from time to time.. but i hope my mentality will stay strong. i hope i can “practice what i preach” by gettting out from under this semi.. picking myself up.. dusting myself off and sayin “ha.. you can’t stop me” My confidence/cockyness can’t let me down during this rehab. I’ve worked to hard to quit.. quitting isn’t a one time thing.. its a habit. thats a habit i refuse to start..i can’t.. and i won’t
I want to say.. “life sucks” i hear that all the time and that would fit perfectly into my situation right now.. but honestly.. life doesn’t suck.. life is beautiful.. sometimes life wants to see how tough you are.. you can either have the mentality that you CAN”T go on cause you just got hit by a semi.. or you can get up.. smile and say.. “you got to do better than that”
as for me…
I choose the latter