Forgetting Who I Am

Look at me
Look at me
Why you over lookin me?
Twice best in the nation
Yet i still do it for free
Don’t get me wrong
It ain’t about the money to me
But this has been my dream
And it is you who holds the key
Why don’t you open your eyes
I know you can see
AIN’T NO ONE BETTER NO ONE CAN BEAT ME
Hell ya i’m cocky
I have every right to be
No one has my talent
No one works as hard as me
So if its heart you desire
And you’re lookin for the best
Then why is the lazy heartless one talkin to the press?
How the hell does he get drafted for his speed?
When he’s 0 for 5 stealin bags off of me

Screw this.. i can’t write.. i’ve been staring at the screen for an hour and i can’t think. For the past week i’ve laid my head to rest for a grand total of eight hours.. eight hours in a week. Who knows whats wrong with me.. Stress? Depression? Both? Regardless of what can be wrong i know one thing is for sure.. i can’t write. i sincerly apologize to anyone who reads my blog.. i know you as well as i was disapointed at the garbage i threw on here the other day about a perfect girl. it was a good idea to write about.. but for some reason i can’t think. I do my daily routine with school, baseball and weights… Then i come home hoping to get a great nights sleep.. only to find myself staring at a wall.  i try to read.. but i’d rather write my own stuff.. leave my own legacy for someone else to read someday.. but lately.. nothing. Nothing comes to mind and nothing seems to have any feeling anymore. (I don’t know how to put what i’m feeling in words… so excuse me as i make a pathetic attempt.) I guess the best way to say it is that…  I don’t care about anything.. it’s not really that i’m angry, mad, upset or even sad… it’s that i don’t feel happy. That might not make sense but its almost like nothing has color anymore.. the whole world is gray. This feeling of being stuck in the middle is ruining my progress on my book. I know that in my curent situation that writing should be the least of my worries..but i really can’t write. I know i’m writing what i think right now but any four year old can pick up a crayon and do that. i’ve lost my creative flow, i’ve lost tag…i can’t write about happy, sad, funny, angry or even pretty… cause i’ve forgotton what they feel like.  Now before i get going… i don’t want to sit and rant about my problems to a group of ears that’d rather hear nails on a chalkboard. So with that i leave you be. I did want to say to not give up on me.. i promise something great when i come back from this.. hopefully tonight i can lay my head to rest and the sandman won’t forget me.. good night everyone.

She had to be put together by god himself
Such perfection couldn’t be handled by anyone else
I bet he captured the color of the sky
And used it to fill her beautiful eyes
The softest silk was used for her lips
Her cheeks, her legs, her finger tips
Her voice as soothing as the sound of rain
Her touch was made to take away pain
Her hair a curtain, hiding her from the world
A way for god to protect this perfect girl
I know who she is, She thinks i can not see
I want to know her but afraid she’ll know me
If she were mine, she would never cry
A tear full of sadness shouldn’t fill a perfect eye
I’d try every day to be the best I can
Although I know I don’t deserve to be her man
I’m trying to show her i’m the best man there can be
But deep inside i’m scared she’ll pick me

You want whats best for your kids.. i know that.. i understand your frustration at the world. i’m young.. stupid.. and don’t know much.. Growing up i never understood how god works.. but if there is one thing i know as a foundation of my beliefs is that everything will be ok. i remember laying on a surgery table in tears cursing god and asking him what i had done wrong. what did i do to offend you god? why are you punishing me? WHAT HAVE I DONE? four months later i understood that god wasn’t out to get me. he was out to make me a better person. this surgery took place my senior year of high school and it worried me sick for 120 straight days that i was not going to play sports. little did i know that god was molding me not only into a better person, but a better athlete.  i know what i’m saying doesn’t make sense to you.. its just something you have to experience for yourself. as i look back on how i grew and what i learned.. i regret my questioning gods actions.. i know my attempts to explain gods plan for each of us are far from perfect. but if you will but please just give me a page or two… i will try my best.
Before i begin.. just know God is an amazing man. so amazing i sometimes feel unworthy to even mention his name. so if i call him boss or big man.. know who i’m referring to.
As i went on my mission one thing i was absolutly facinated by was joseph smiths life. he was a stud. there are many words to describe that man; spiritual, responsible, strong… but i think i’ll stick to my original word.. stud. first of all i don’t know many 14 year old boys who search for truth.. and even if they do i haven’t seen many overlook their parents beliefs to strive to find their own. he did that, he saw something, he felt something and he was givin one of the biggest responsiblilities a man can have.. he was called to be a prophet of god. As a prophet you have to be a pretty good person. i know he wasn’t perfect, only jesus has filled that role. i’m sure joseph had his flaws but he was about as close to perfect as you can be. the more i learned about the man the more i respected him. and… the more i learned about him.. the more i quesitoned the boss. why’d he let such horrible things happen to joseph?.. he was tarred and feathered he was beat up he was thrown in jail with no food and spit on and humiliated… i couldn’t stop thinking.. he’s the prophet of your church can’t you help him out? the final straw was how he was killed.. he was taken from his family.. beaten, thrown in jail and later executed at the hands of evil men.  all because of what he belived was true.. he was killed for the exact reason america was found.. a different belief in religion.
My questions of why god didn’t help our prophet were answered upon more studying. in one of joseph’s accounts he is beaten and thrown in jail for no reason.. this wasn’t the first time.. in fact joseph had been in this situation many times.. he almost always kept his cool but it was starting to get to him.. so he asked god what everyone asks when things go wrong.. what did i do wrong? can you help me? i’m doing good and these people are evil.. so why am i the one who suffers? i expected the boss to magically break down a wall and set joseph free.. but instead he answered joseph.. and his answer was priceless.. it was something we can all take into our own lives when things go wrong..  he basically said, live with it… in not so many words god told joseph look… i know this sucks.. i know what you are going through is painful.. i know its not easy.. i know you are right and these men are wrong.. i know your family struggles when you’re gone.. but stand up.. dust yourself off and stay strong.. then he says something that is amazing to me.. he says if all these men beat you and kill you and do horrible things to you and your family.. even if the gates of hell stand against you.. it will be for your good…  my first reaction when i read this was.. are you kidding me? how can so many horrible things be for someones good? then i remembered my surgery.. i remembered being hurt and being in pain.. i bore it i went through it.. and i learned so much about myself.. i learned about hard work and humility.. i learned so many things that i would have never learned if i had stayed healthy.. now i am in no way comparing my small surgery to the suffing of christ or the murder of joseph smith.. but i am saying…sometimes the gardener has to trim the tree to make it grow.. the boss knows life sucks.. he knows our pains and trust me it does pain him to see us hurt.. but he knows what the outcome is.. he has a plan for our growth.. sometimes we are all dumb and we think we know better.. i’ll be the first to say i’m guilty of being stupid. but one thing i do know.. is no matter what happens.. none of us have bled from every pore.. none of us have suffered the sins of the world.. none of us have been beaten, whipped, and hung on a cross to die.. one man did that for us all.. at anytime god could have defended his son.. taken his pain away and helped him escape from that pain.. but he didn’t.. the pain was for the best and the lesson we can learn from such experiences can help us understand that everything will be ok.. and that god isn’t punishing or ignoring us.. if anything.. take obstacles as a compliment.. it means god knows you can conquer them.. and become a better person.. someone who even we didn’t think we could be.