Forgetting Who I Am

It all started when i woke up.. My older brother, jason, was laying in his summer position, sprawled across the couch with the remote in his hand.. ofcourse i didn’t even have to ask what he was watching.. i knew it was TRL. He and I would wait patiently for certain music videos to come on.. christina, britney or jessica.. it didn’t matter.. just any of the 3 would do. The moment their music video came on we’d jump to our feet and dance across the basement singing the lyrics as loud as possible. This was our daily routine.. my parents thought we were crazy due to the fact that jason was a junior in college and i was going to be a senior in high school.. but we didn’t care. I rubbed my eyes and sat up.. i glanced across the room to see my little brother, Skye, throwing on a pair of swim trunks. “Where are you going ya little bitch?” i asked. “To classic waterslides,’ he replied. ” kyle and eric are on their way to pick me up.”  I looked over at my brother ease dropping on our conversation. “whose money are you going to steal to get in?” jason inquired. A blank look came across skye’s face.. you could tell his little 10 year old mind had forgotton about one thing.. a big thing.. money. “do you guys have any money?” his eyes bounced back and forth between me and jason looking for an answer. “ya.. i got some money.” jason said with a smirk. For some reason i knew by that smirk that he was up to something. i didn’t know what.. but i knew i wanted to find out.. jason always had the best ideas. “what will you do for me?” jason asked, still smirking. The two negotiated out a deal, clean the bathroom, no, wash your clothes, no. nothing seemed to please jason. “i have an idea!” the words slipped through jason’s mouth like a snake.. a sly, cunning snake. He stood up and motioned for the two of us to follow him.. He flung open the cabnit doors and started digging through the shelves.. “here we go.” he said as he pulled from the cabnit a roll of duct tape. My mind was scanning for what he was doing.. Jason dropped to his knees on our wood floor and started to tear off peices of duct tape and place them on the ground. When he was finished he had a 2ft by 2ft box of duct tape on our wood floor. “what the hell are you doing?” i started to laugh. i couldn’t even think of what  he could possibly be up to. i think the questions started going through skye’s head as well, for his face was in deep thought. “ok, here is the deal,” jason went on,”if you stand in this box and pee your pants i will give you 5 bucks.” he grinned and pointed to the box he made of tape on the floor. “what?” skye asked. “oh my hell! hahahahaha” i began to laugh. i mean, who would honestly think of that. My brother had major brain damage or something. “No way, There is no way i am doing that.” “ok,” jason said. “then how are you going to get into the waterslides?” I sat in aw as i looked at skye.. he was seriously debating on whether to do this or not. “5 bucks?” skye motioned with all 5 fingers toward jason. “ya.. thats enough to get in right?” jason’s face started to turn red as he was trying to hold back laughter. “ok,’ skye said, “i’ll do it.”  No way i thought.. he’ll chicken out.  Skye took his position in the gray box, me and jason sat on the near by counter to observe. No way, NO WAY.. there is NO way he’s going to go through with this.. but the thought of him actually peeing his pants made me laugh, which made jason laugh. about 3 minutes passed, then my brother announced, “ok here i go.” Jason jumped off the counter and squated next to skye to get a closer look, i slid off the counter and stood behind jason.. curious to see if skye was full of it. Not too much later a trickle of pee began to flow down skye’s leg. It took me a second to realize he wasn’t faking. His face turned a bright pink, i wasn’t sure if it was him trying to push out more.. or sheer embarrasment that he was peeing his pants. The front of his shorts began to turn dark as more and more came out.. soon a puddle was at his feet and both me and jason were on the ground holding our stomachs, bursting out with laughter. He soon finished and ran upstairs to the bathroom. Me and jason remained on the floor holding our stomachs… “he peed his pants.. he peed his freakin pants.” jason kept repeating in-between gasps for air while still laughing. It seemed like we spent an eternity on the floor laughing.. soon the corners of my mouth hurt and my abs felt like i had just done a 5 hour ab workout. By the time we finished skye had “dried off” and come back down stairs to collect. “where is my 5 bucks?” he asked.. jason began to laugh again. he burried his face into his hands trying to hold himself back from laughing. “ok.. i have your 5 bucks.. but how about i double it.. i’ll give you 10 bucks to poop your pants!” jason looked up from his hands to see skye’s reaction. “what a freakin genius..” i thought.. in my mind i bowed to jason for his artistic ability.  Jason looked at me and then looked back at skye, he went on “come on.. 10 bucks, that means you can go to the slides today AND tomorrow.” This time skye wasn’t in deep thought, he just simply said, “ok.” he took his place back in the duct tape circle, which if you remember was still wet with pee.  Neither me nor jason laughed at this.. we thought he had something up his sleeve to get us back. So we just kind of sat back and observed to see what he was going to do. Pretty soon Skye began to push, me and jason looked at each other.. “ya right”, we thought. we sat with our arms crossed not believing his actions. Skye’s eyes got really wide.. “dude.. i did it.. ” he said.  Me and jason looked at each other and looked back at skye in disbelief. “prove it.” jason said, still sitting with arms folded. skye ran upstairs to the bathroom. He quickly returned and stood on top of the stairs. underwear in hand. I grabbed jason’s shoulder and pointed to the chocolate covered underwear… Only.. it wasn’t chocolate. i  grabbed my stomach and fell to the floor. my mouth and gut were so sore it was hard for me to laugh.. but it was even harder to stop laughing. Skye went back in the bathroom and we heard the shower turn on.. we laughed harder.  By the time the shower turned off we were downstairs doing our everyday routine.. laying on the couch. Skye came down stairs dressed in nothing but a huge shirt that he got from my dad’s drawer.. it covered his entire body. “where’s my money?” skye asked.. “you really think i’m going to pay your bitch ass!?!” jason said as he laid there. “pay or i’ll call mom and tell her what you made me do.” Jason sat up.. “oh really, ya think so huh?” he said. He ran over to the stairs where skye was sitting and he grabbed him. “tycen come help me.” jason said as skye began to struggle. i obeyed the order and ran to the stairs and grabbed skye’s legs to calm them from kicking. “just for being a little bitch ass, you’re going outside.. naked” jason’s words cut through skye as we began to haul him up the stairs.. “nooooooo” skye screamed. we opened the front door and stripped the shirt from his body, pushed him outside and locked the door. “ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.” Skye began to ring the doorbell as if we were going to answer. “ding, ding, ding, ding.”  soon it stopped. i ran to the front window to see my little brother face down in the grass.. butt naked. I could hear his voice mumbling “guys please open the door.. guys!” I motioned for jason and he came to the window.. and yes once again we found ourselves laughing histerically. i looked up just in time to see his naked body sprint past the window to the side of the house. I knew what he was doing but i was too tired from laughing to stop him.. just as i expected he came in from the garage door. “you guys are ass holes!’ he screamed as he ran upstairs to his room to cloth his naked body. After our laughing died down we again returned to the downstairs to watch our video’s. about an hour past before skye decided he wasn’t too embarrassed to come face us… he crept slowly down the stairs. “jason.. seriously.. i need that money. eric will be here any minute.” jason looked at me with that smirk.. the same smirk he’d looked at me with 10,000 times before. “i’ll give you 20 bucks if you let me shave your head.” now.. normally that wouldn’t be such a good deal. 20 dollars to shave a kids head.. kids have their head shaved all the time.. but not skye.. his hair fell way past his eyes almost to his lips.. since no other boy in my family had hair like that..it was my moms pride and joy..  This time skye really went into a deep thinking mode. He knew what my mom would say if we touched his hair. “hmmm… ok” he agreed. within a second, jason had already darted upstairs, grabbed the clippers and a stool and came back into the kitchen.. ready for skye to sit down.. yes.. he shaved his head.. and just for kicks he left a nike sign in the back of skyes head and colored it red with a marker… it was done.. finished.. skye’s day from hell finished with really stinky shorts and a shaved head. about an hour later kyle called and cancelled the trip to the waterslides.. and about 2 hours after that my mom returned home from work.. yes she freaked but oddly enough nothing got broken and no one got grounded. That wonderful day took place exactly 6 years ago.. and to this day.. skye still hasn’t seen a penny of his 20 dollars.. but we don’t care.. we are his older brothers.. besides.. that little bitch didn’t deserve shit.

I’ve started to notice, I’ve been down this road,

one too many times

I go off on MY way, wander in the dark

& struggle to get back in line

The road is so dark, so dreary

covered in a thick haze

Sometimes i get real lost

& not know where i am for days

Traveling blind, road twisting

never knowing when it will end

Everytime i’m so close to crashing

my road is lit by a friend

I’d take their light for granted

it would slowly become dim

Then he came back into my life

i’d been waiting a long time for him

He showed me to love, to care

not to be hard nosed

He showed me that everything was black

cause my eyes were closed

What was i to do? where should i go?

What should i say?

I knew what he was teaching

would soon make me change my ways

I’m not traveling so blind now,

i hope this light will last

I hope i can change my ways

i hope he’ll forget my past

 

I’ve had a couple people ask me why i titled my blog, “forgetting who i am.” Well…

When i was a little kid, my family was always on my case. Making sure i did this or that.. they never let me be me.. thats how it felt THEN.. but now i look back on it and realize that its because they knew where i was headed.. when i was young i wasn’t the best of kids. i’d lie and steal.. i’d get in fights.. i wasn’t what you would consider the poster child. i know now that my family.. especially my parents were just looking out for me.. they weren’t on my case.. they were just making sure i was doing the things that weren’t going to hurt me.. but make me successful. Christmas in my house is full of tradition.. every year the kids in my family get one gift that has to do with a certain topic.. for example.. EVERY year my older brother gets somthing that has to do with New Kids on the block.. puzzles, posters, jewlry.. its hilarious becuase my brother hates it.. so every year when he opens another one we all laugh.. my parents have been giving him one new kids on the block gift every year for atleast 15 years. My older sister gets barbie’s.. every kind you could imagine.. but when it came my turn to get my annual gift.. i could tell my parents had a reverence about them when they gave me my first gift..i remember the first thing i recived was an old saw, this saw was so old it looked as if the indians had made it by hand. My fist thought was “gee.. thanks” a 15 year old kids thought of getting a gift doesn’t really fall into the catagory of old tools.. but there was a note attached to it.. it told me that the saw was made by my great grandpa.. he had traveled across the plains with the mormons to utah to escape persecution and gain religious freedom. Many people trying to follow this trail passed away in persute of what they believed was true. In my religion we speak with the upmost respect for these people and what they did to make our church grow. In the letter it told of what my great grandpa had done to help these people travel the many miles to what is now utah. At the bottom of the letter it told me to “always remember where you came from.”. and to “never forget who you are”.. ever since they gave me that gift i’ve kept those words close to me.. “don’t forget who you are”  When i was a teenager.. it didn’t matter where i was going.. school, friends house, dance or a party.. my parents would say before i left.. “don’t forget who you are”                        So that brings me to the title of my blog.. as i’ve told you i haven’t always been the best of kids and i know there is always room for improvement.. i have/and will continue to share stories about my life that have made me up, down, laugh..or change something about me.. all the stories in one way or the other have made me grow.. although i may be struggling.. i’m always trying to remember where i come from.. and i’m always trying to never forget who i am.

Silence slips

across her lips

she closes her eyes to remember her past

so many times

has she come across these waters

but never has the current moved this fast 

she feels sick

she can’t sleep

hoping her pain will end

she wants revenge

she wants to fight

but all she needs is a friend

she hums a tune

sings a song

nothing distracts from a heart being tore

from all shes learned

she knows one thing

she doesn’t want to hurt anymore

 

Everyday we need to make decisions. Everything from what jeans to wear to what time we want to eat dinner. Every minute we need to make a decision about something. Some are as harmless as what to get to drink with the number 4 at wendy’s.. others can be as complex as what to say for your vows at your wedding.  I know many people have ways of going about making a decsions.. some plan ahead, have back up plans and go through every detail making sure their choice is the best for them. Others just follow what happens and are ok with whatever comes there way. Me.. I’m part of the third group.. we have a gut feeling that something is right or wrong and go with it or stay away from it. I can’t describe the feeling that i get.. if i know its right it will be a warm feeling in my gut.. and it will spread a feeling of comfort all over me.  Personally i believe that there is no right or wrong way of going about making a decision.. everyone has there own way and that works for them. i’ve never been one to try and tell someone how to live or what to do.. if it works then don’t change it. i currently have to make a huge decision..  this decision will effect the rest of my life and will determine who and what i become. i get really stressed when i have to make a decision like this.. i should be a pro cause sadly enough i’ve made this decision 4 times already..  and it looks as number 5 won’t get any easier. i have always felt, for me atleast, that the best way i can make a good decision is to get down on my knees.. and ask the man upstairs. For some reason.. things just seem to work out. (knock on wood) So here i am.. faced with a decision that will decide my future.. its hard. i’m not going to lie i wish i had a map of my life that i could follow.. it’d make things so much easier.. but for some reason this life is supposed to be tuff. Having hard times and going through trials will ALWAYS make you grow and learn. And yes i will say ALWAYS..  cause even if you are trying not to learn.. you are learning not to try. So.. for me.. everytime i feel like i made a good or bad decision. i step back and try to observe what i could have done differently or what i did that was correct so i can apply it to my life. Right now, I want to get down and ask my heavenly father what path i should follow.. only problem is.. i don’t feel like my prayer is going to get past the ceiling. I’m not a great kid and haven’t been doing many of the things that i know are right.  Everytime i go to ask i stop myself and think.. “who are you to ask him a favor?” he doesn’t owe me anything.. i know i will be forever in debt for the blessings i’ve recieved.. but this time its different.. i feel like i’ve taken advantage of the system. I still get so many blessings today that i don’t deserve.. i guess the boss really knows how to take care of us all. I just wish that in everyones closet there was a big red button that said in big white letters “do over”.. cause i think i’d push mine now. 

There once was an old man who owned a bird. this man had raised the bird since birth. He had taught the bird how to fly, find food and build a nest… he knew it was time for the bird to leave and begin to live on his own. The man told the bird that it was time for the bird to leave and instructed the bird to go build a nest of his own. So with the task at hand the bird set off to accomplish his chore. On his way the bird ran into his old friend, the rabbit. The Rabbit asked the bird to join him to play a game. The bird knew of his task and knew his master would be upset if he avoided his job. But after much pleading the Rabbit talked the bird into a game. As the two were playing the bird clipped his wing. The time drew near when the man would be expecting the bird to return. The bird strained to fly home on his wing. As he landed on his perch the man entered. “how is your nest coming?” inquired the man. “well i wasn’t able to finish it,” replied the bird. “see i clipped my wing and had to return home.” the man examined the wing saying, “rest tonight and in two days begin working on your nest.”  The bird agreed to the terms and the man left the room.  The bird rested and the morning soon arrived when the bird would set out to begin his work. He stretched forth his wings and departed to work on his nest. The next morning the man entered the birds room. “hello bird” said the man.. “how is your house coming?”  The bird smiled, “its the most beautiful nest ever made.” he boasted. The man clasp his hands together, “thats great news, i wish to come by and see your new home. I have to leave town today for business but will return quickly. I will be by soon, i’m not exactly sure when, just have your nest prepared for me to see.” the man left the room and the bird bowed his head in shame.. for he had not truely built his nest. He lied to the man to please him.. But truely when he set out to build he found the rabbit and once again injured his wing. The bird new the importance of the nest so he decided to build it before the man would return. On his way he again stopped to play with the rabbit and once again was forced to return home with an injured wing. To this day the bird has not started his nest, everytime a desire sets in to begin he finds the rabbit and is forced to return home with injury. the man hasn’t returned from his business, but will quickly, only to find an empty tree.

I had a friend get a ticket the other night.. sorry if i go on a rant here..

Cops.. Ever since i was a little kid i wanted to be a police officer. I wanted to catch bad guys, drive a cool car with lights on top and carry a gun. I wanted to make the streets a safer place and make a difference in the community, but by the time i was ten i realized that cops don’t do shit. They were just the kid in elementry that ate paste, licked the bus windows and had to hide under the jungle gym during recess in fear of getting his ass kicked. In Jr high they were the kids getting their ears flipped by the jock sitting behind them in math class. They would show up to school wearing gym shorts with knee high socks and sandals (yes dad thats a bad thing) by high school they were the kids who didn’t know you but would find it there business to tell the teacher that you weren’t late because your locker was jammed like you told her.. but instead he announces that he saw you talking to a girl. They ran for class officer but never made it and would sit in their rooms by their self at night trying to memorize the entire cd of milli vanilli. They get their ass hole degree or whatever they do to be a cop and now they think they own the city. They run red lights when they aren’t in an emergency, they speed, don’t stop for stop signs and turn the wrong way down one way streets. I’m sorry but if you have that much power to do whatever you want then maybe you should start cracking down on drugs, alcohol abuse, partner and child abuse and violence. spend less time sitting on your fat dunkin donut eatin ass and get up and actually make a difference.. please just for once make our tax money go to something worth while. Quit using our money for buying officers SUV’s that they don’t need. Why would a cop need an SUV? i guess a lot of cops do arrest a family of 7.. or after a hard day of fighting crime he stops by home depot to do some shopping.. i guess he could use that SUV do to the many high speed chases that end up off roading in the mountains… come on guys give me a break.. quit slicking your hair back, take off the black sun glasses when its cloudy and when you go to the gym try to mix in something other than chest and biceps.. you’re not cool. You have been chosen to represent your city. you have a resposibility to take care of the good people surrounding your area and to make the communtity safe so that the parents of that town don’t worry about their children going out late at night. You are supposed to look and act like a professional.. treating people with respect and curtisy. This is an important job, so be humble enough to accept your responsibilities as an officer. As for now all cops are a bunch of bush league assholes that have bottled up anger from their childhood and decide to take it out on poor college students who can’t afford tickets. If you have childhood issues.. thats your problem.. but go out and do your job.. there are drugs circulating the streets and children and wifes being abused day after day.. yet you’re worried about how fast people go down the hill on mill lane. Maybe one day you’ll do your job going out to find the killers the drug dealers and anyone else who wishes to harm the community… until then i guess you’ll keep giving out 100 dollar tickets for bull shit reasons.. grow up ya glorified hall monitor.. sorry for going 4 over.  

I told everyone in my first post i’d tell them what the word desire ment to me. so.. here i go..

Desire is probably one of the most overlooked traits in the world. If you have desire, you can do anything. desire is not wanting to do something.. i think people get that mixed up so let me clear this up. A want and a desire are as far apart as like and love. Desire is a burning inside you that overtakes your body, you can not control your emotions. You do not care when you are tired or sore, it does not bother you when sweat blinds you as it drips into your eyes. You do not have much feeling.. just a strong emotion inside your heart that drives you to never quit, sometimes it drives you to pain, but pain only brings pleasure. some people will think you are insaine, but their words of insanity only will drive you to push harder, to accomplish more. Desire is a serious disease that most can not comprehend. If everyone could see the rewards of having this disease; they would seek after desire night and day, crawling on thir hands and knees until they were infected.

 Those of you who really know me understand that i am the most radom person to ever walk the earth. And trust me, walk the earth i do.. i have been known to always move from school to school, town to town, state to state traveling to wherever my feet stop… i love going places where i don’t know my way around and i don’t know anyone, i just think the same scene gets boring sometimes.. every now and then i need a change.. now don’t go all psychiatrist on me and tell me i have commitment problems or whatever.. thats not the case.  i’ve just watched how others around me go about their lives, just like the great Yogi Berra once said, “you can observe a lot just by watching.” ..  i’ve seen where my friends have been what they’ve done and to be honest.. hardly anyone in my town ever leaves their front yard. I dont’ know why.. either they know what the outside world is like.. and just feel comfortable where they are. Or they are too scared to see what its like so they hide under their moms bed til their 30… (pussy’s)  See i’m from Utah and the typical life in utah goes like this.  Grow up, school blah blah, graduate, turn 19, go on a mission, come home at 21 and be married within 3 weeks go to weber state or utah state. get your wife pregnant within the first week of being married, pop out 6 kids before your 25 and get into a career and spend your spare time doing yard work.. i know that sounds crazy.. but sadly enough i have friends like this.  i guess i am the way i am cause my parents made me this way. my dad always said, “the best thing a man can do is get lost. when you are truely lost.. you find yourself.” if my mom heard him say that she’d probably say “you just say that cause you have no sense of direction.” which is true.. if getting lost goes hand in hand with finding yourself then my dad knows himself better than anyone on the planet.. but seriously.. i think the old man was on to something.. i never really understood what getting lost ment til i went off to college.. and finding what it ment has been everything in finding who i am.. i’m sorry if you don’t understand it.. its something you have to find for yourself…. 

 With that in mind i now find myself staring at a computer with a slight grin on my face wondering “what the hell am i doing in the public library in New Port Rhode Island?”  See i have a friend that plays on the team out here.. a buddy i  played with out in cali. he called last night to see about my wrist, i told him the bad news and that i was going home sometime soon. he told me he wasn’t going to pitch saturday and he had the day off so i should come chill with him. i laughed.. i mean how was i going to get to New Port.. it is 3 hours away and i don’t have a car. Well last night the baseball team had a party. i was semi sick so i didn’t make an apperance BUT since it took place in my dorm.. i did manage to meet some of the people that were there…  they’d stumble into my room drunk thinking it was the bathroom.  One person i did meet was some guy.. we’ll call him joe cause i’m not sure of his real name. i talked to him for a sec and he said somethin about wakin up early i just asked why and he said.. “oh at 5 am i’m leavin to go chill for a night in New Port.” hmmm.. a window of opportunity.. so i just asked if i could cruz with him.. so at about 5:45 this morning he picked me up.. dropped me off next to the feild in new port.. and now my buddy isn’t answering his phone.. i’m guessing he’s still asleep so i just walked around new port.. i ran into a library and i figured i’d tell the world of my travels. if you’re wonderin.. no.. i’m not sure how i’m getting back.. i got that kids number, he said he leaves tomorrow sometime.. so hopefully he won’t leave without me…. if he does.. hey i won’t be lost.. i’m just trying to find myself.. right dad?

Ya.. so what if its 7:30 in the morning and i haven’t slept. i don’t know why i do this. but for some reason i can NEVER sleep. i guess i could always toss down some pills and call it a night.. but i’d rather write.. i’m glad i set this up.. i have a feeling i am going to have a lot of late nights on this thing.

Life.. its a funny thing.. I don’t understand why some things happen. i have been trying to understand why some people always get shit on and others seem to float through life with no problems. some of us take a bite out of a hamburger and have ketchup fall onto our new pants that we just bought to go out on a date we had that night.. others take the same bite and the ketchup catches their chin.. saving them selves from embarassment and a load of laundry.  For those of you who don’t understand me, its not about the ketchup, its about the 3 mm between a bad day and a normal bite. And for some reason people who get breaks.. get them, if you don’t, ya don’t.. there is no preventing it, there is no do overs. The funny thing about life is that those who get shit on.. most of the time are the hardest workers.. they eat right, excersise reguarly and yet they can’t get that inch layer of fat to go away that surrounds their stomach. while the floaters have horrible eating habits and make an appearance in the gym about once a week.. for social reasons, and yet they have the beach body most would envy. thats how life goes..  but from experience i’ve learned that the hard workers always come out on top, although they may have a ketchup stain on their jeans and a little pot belly, they pursue their dreams til they feel as if they have accomplished their goals. most, if not all, hard workers have DESIRE. Most people know the word but don’t know the meaning. (i’ll post what it means to me later.) So for those of you who are on my side of the fence.. and know that we don’t always have the easiest road.. let me assure you that it will all pay off. keep working, keep fighting and i promise you will have your reward… i know that my reward won’t be to be rich or famous.. it will be to know that i have become a success through hardwork… and if i have to fail til i’m 80 in order to become successfull.. well to the floaters i say.. keep the clean jeans