Forgetting Who I Am

Been here too many times...

And yet, i've never been here..

I've officially had to start the fall semester of college 5 times in my life.. If you're wondering, no i'm not striving to become a doctor..lol. But the lessons i've learned from every year will far surpass any degree.
Every year i've been at college i've been somewhere new, Southern california, Northern Cali, Nebraska and Kansas... In that mess of colleges i also spent time in Tennessee, Illinois and played some ball up in Conneticut. Each time i've been away, i've been trying to prove something to nobody. I've been trying to run away from what i know. I've been drunk, I've been arrested more times then my parents know, i've been in so many fights i can't count, i've kissed girls who i didn't even know their name and i've lied to a lot of people close to me about very serious affairs. Now, i don't tell you this cause you are my bishop and this is some form of confession, but it is who i am.. I am in no way shape or form proud of this, but i have always believed that who you are is a part of where you come from.. and this is my past, i can't hide from it.. and honestly, without it, i wouldn't be the man i am today... so take it or leave it.  I don't know why i've done these things, i guess my eyes have been dark for sometime now and when you walk in darkness you tend to fall. But i guess we've all done that. Sometimes we get off and run away. For some reason it's human nature to do things "your way" i guess thats why the "natrual man" is an enemy to god. I've slowly realized that not only does "my way" suck.. but it doesn't ever work.. and honestly, i don't want it to work.

I remember one day i was sitting in the shower... i know the shower is a weird place to sit, but sometimes i will sit down, its the only place in a college house where you can get some privacy and actually think about what this life is all about.
I remember as i sat there i began to cry, this wasn't the first time, i cry a lot in the shower.. roommates can't hear you and if your eyes are red when you get out they just think its from the hot water. But regardless... i remember just all of a sudden stopping. For some reason i knew that everything was just going to be ok. I didn't know when and i didn't know how. But i did know that help was on the way.
I decided to try to look at the glass half full.. i was hoping help WAS on the way and that god hadn't forgotton about me.. i was looking for some sort of blessing.. when looking for gods hand in your life remember that blessings come in so many forms.. whether its a scar on the elbow, a brother home from college or a new roommate.. with these blessings i knew the boss had ideas for me. I knew that he really hadn't forgotton about me. Sometimes when we pray and don't hear back we believe that god forgot about us. But if we just keep our hearts open we will see that he has plans.. A wise man once told me that.... it is hard to be healed by moses' staff if you refuse to look...

So here i am about to start a journey i've done so many times... yet never experienced. A journey i feel i've already conquered and yet never battled... A journey i look forward to and yet have dreaded so many times.
I believe we all have had our experiences.. we've all been places we didn't want to be and seen things that we want to forget.. but honestly, i am not proud of where i've been but i can now stand proud of who i am. I've learned a lot of life lessons through other people.. a lot of lessons i've learned were from people who read this blog, so to you i say thank you.. and, if its any help, maybe my words will help you never forget who you are..