Forgetting Who I Am

God?
Can I ask you another question?
You have put me on this earth for many reasons. One big reason is to find someone I love and start a family. Even though I have yet to understand love, I still know it exists. I have felt it... or.. actually.. i FEEL it... but that is what leads me to my question.
How do you fall out of love?
Falling in love is something you can't control. It's like a switch your heart hits when you look into that persons eyes. It's a touch, a smile... It's something you can't fake.. It's a feeling that makes your heart shake with happiness.. a feeling of knowing that person feels exactly the same way. A feeling of trust, friendship and true joy all joined into one.. and they call that feeling.. Love...
I have learned that you can't control who you love... Love decides who you love... But when you make a decision to no longer be with that person... How can you stop loving them? How do you forget someone you care about?  How do you hold something inside, bottle it in and have it go away?

My mind trys to occupy my thoughts with small distractions. But no attempts have ever been successful. I soon find myself thinking about what I could have done.. I could have listened more.. loved more.. I could have appreciated her for what she tried to teach me.
All the lessons she tried to teach me.. I was too stubborn to learn. I have learned them now.. But she is gone..
So now... as I have tried to move on for so long... I continue to ask myself...
How do you take this feeling and strip it out of your heart? When something reminds me of her.. How do I stop my mind from thinking about the past?
I have grown.. I have changed.. I have become the person that I want to be... Why must I live without her?
How do I stop that sick feeling... We have all felt it, that sick feeling in your stomach that you get when you lose someone. It's a sick, empty feeling. A feeling of loneliness, a feeling of sorrow, of guilt... even regret.
Some say that you learn your lesson and move on.. But how can I move on? I have tried to train my mind to forget, I have begged my mind to believe i'm better off... but my heart won't listen. My soul lost a soulmate.. My heart lost the one it loves...
How long will I have to bear this? When will I ever be able to feel whole again?
Maybe my punishment should be to walk this earth alone. Thinking about all the wonderful experiences that I could have had... 
Oh how I wish I could tell her this.. But I can't.... I know she's happy where she is.. and I couldn't step back into her life.. I couldn't bother her joy and success.. I can't enter her world... because she's happy.. and I care about her feelings.. Cause I love her.
Only if I would have listend to my heart...
Only if I would have appreciated the love I had... While Love was holding my hand...

Listen to me Tycen..
Why do you keep working so hard?
You see the benefits you reap?!?
You have always out worked your teammates.. you live in the gym, yet you body looks terrible.. you go to the field before anyone else, yet you're the only member of the team thats expendible.
Your hard work is obviously as pathetic as your attempt at life.
You say you need love.. I think you lost love years ago, and your failed attempts at finding it again are futile. You say you need hope.. hope is a word that the hopeless invented. Hope is nothing.. hope is a lost feeling.. you have hope when you have nothing else to turn to..
God has forgot about you.. You told him you needed help, but you refuse to help yourself. You stand in the mirror with pride in your heart when your eyes are filled with success... but the moment failure enters your world.. you ask god "why me."
You arrogant, little, pathetic excuse of a human.. who are you to be so prideful? what have you done to deserve any of the blessings you recieve?


Who else among you is like Tycen?
Who among you blames god for our failures, and yet are so quick to thank ourselves for our success?

So now what Tycen? What are you going to do now?
Your body begs you to quit working out... your mind knows its not logical to work so hard because you get nothing out of it... yet your heart refuses to let you stop...
Thats been your problem.. you don't think about anything.. you think with your heart and not with your mind.
Who is going to win the battle Tycen?
You've been playing with a broken wrist.. and a broken foot... at what cost? You work hard but can never catch a break... you beg God for a break... but get none..
Isn't that a sign to you? Shouldn't you just realize that he hates you..
Answer me Tycen...

Answer my question,... What is it going to be?
When will you finally harken to the words of everyone and finally just give up!
No one believes in you Tycen... no one..

Is that a tear? Did I break through the barrier of the almighty Tycen? Did I touch a nerve? Your dream will never come true.. your name will never be in lights.. success will never know you Tycen.. You will fail at everything you do...

Where are you going?

Ya, grab your bag and head to the gym Tycen...
watching you walk away.. limping on your right foot is a pathetic site to see..
I guess some people will never learn...

You were there weren’t you.

I felt different that night. I felt stronger, more energetic, and more focused. Now I know why, cause you were there.

You held my hands as I rocked them back. You opened my eyes to see the seems and you guided my bat to square the ball up at the perfect time.

Thank you Grandpa. Thank you.

I remember your eyes before you passed away. They pierced through me with firm belief. Your eyes spoke of a belief that no matter what, you were going to get my first professional homerun. You always spoke to me like you believed in me. You were one of few who truly believed in me. That ment a lot to me Grandpa. It ment a lot then, and it still rings in my mind now. That you believe in me.

Thank you Grandpa, thank you for being there for me, for believing in me. For setting a goal before me that no one else thought I could accomplish.

I love you Grandpa, and even though you are gone, I know you are still here. I know you were there that night, watching that ball fly over the fence. The crowd began to cheer but I could not hear them. Instead, I heard your voice say, “I knew you could do it.”

Well Grandpa, I did it, and I did it for you. This is your ball, your homerun, and your trophy to cherish. Without you believing I could do it, I may have never accomplished it. This ball is yours forever Grandpa. I will encase this in your gravestone so you can have it. I promised it to you, and now it is yours to keep. I did it grandpa, I finally did it… Thank you for always believing in me. 

Many of you know that baseball is my passion. It is what I love. Some watch baseball on tv or go to games, but about 90 percent of fans don’t really understand the game of baseball. They think a pitcher stands up there, throws a ball, the guy tries to hit it; and if he fails it’s the other teams turn. Sadly this is why some people say baseball is “boring” but if you understand the game, you’ll agree with me when I say that they couldn’t be more wrong.

Baseball is a form of art, a beautiful painting that can not be described, a song that moves you and a poem that brings you to tears.

Some of you may think I’m going overboard with my feelings of baseball, but before you reject my words, please read the reasons why I have come to such a decision about this game.

Next time you’re watching a baseball game I want you to start looking INSIDE the game, not at the game. Look to WHY things happen and not WHAT just happened. See… in baseball, there are MANY reasons why we do what we do. Pitch by pitch, pick by pick, out by out, swing by swing and inning by inning. Every situation calls for a decision. No decision is going to be set in stone. In baseball, you can’t say “if this happens, we will do this” because EVERY situation is different.

To help you more understand what I’m trying to explain, please allow me to take you through the game through my eyes.

First, before every game, everyone is given a “scouting report.” These reports given to us contain numbers, the numbers are averages, not batting averages or earned run averages; they consist of “how many times this guy swings at the first pitch” or “how likely this guy is to throw a  2-0 change up” or “if this guy comes out of the pen, what does he like to throw first pitch with a runner on first, second, third, one out, two outs”

K.. now you have a very small idea about how in depth these reports go. If you’ve done it in the past, we have it on paper, and not only do we have it, but we know it before the first pitch is thrown.

During an at bat, (when I’m catching) I have to ask myself many questions and I have to know the answer right away and make a decision on how the game is going to proceed and what my “strategy” is going to be as the game progresses. 

Some of these questions include:

How many outs?

Who’s up to bat?

What did I throw him last time?

What did I throw to the two guys before him?

What has he not seen that this pitcher has?

What are his weaknesses as a hitter?

His strengths?

Who are the two people hitting behind him?

Does he free swing?

Is he disciplined?

What is the count?

What has the pitcher thrown in this count all day?

What is the score?

How many outs?

Who’s on?

Does the person on base run well?

Does the hitter run well?

What are the managers tendencies in these situations?

Honestly, I could list about 40 more questions, and I have to ask myself these questions after every pitch, and before or after every pitch I have to either keep going with my strategy or I have to change it according to what I believe will help my team win. Regardless if it’s the 2nd pitch of the game or possibly the last pitch, every pitch I call has some thought behind it and every pitch has a purpose. But it’s not just my thoughts, my pitcher, infielders and manager all have thoughts about how things should run… and even though you might not see us or hear us talking, we communicate every pitch. Whether it be by signal or even just a look, we communicate with everything we do. When I put down a sign, the pitcher isn’t the only one who sees it, the middle infielders will tip what I’m throwing to the rest of the field so they know what to expect when the batter swings.

So now I ask you a question…

Have you ever played chess?

Seems like a simple game right?

It’s just a simple board game, equipped with some squares and 7 different kinds of pieces that are all trying to push forward to kill the opponent and protect itself at the same time.

 Baseball is a giant game of chess played in between each pitch. The pitch and swing and everything that you see that moves, is only a result of the chess pieces moving across the board. And just like chess, you can’t teach someone how to play. You can teach them what the pieces do, and that is where it stops. You can’t teach someone how to play because every situation is different, there are thousands of attacks, thousands of outs, thousands of set ups, thousands of ways to win and thousands of ways to lose. All of which make MILLIONS of ways to play.

This is why I love baseball… it’s just like life, it teaches you something new everyday. Even when a situation “seems” the same, it isn’t, there is always another way to approach it. And going outside your boundaries of what you “normally” do, can be a good thing. 

So whenever you see a baseball player in your class or walkin’ down the street, just realize that he isn’t some “dumb jock”, a lot of them, just like me, love the game INSIDE the game. Hitting, striking someone out, throwing someone out, sliding under a close play; all these things can be fun and seem fun to the untrained eye in the stands. But I promise you that baseball is 10% what you can see and 90% what you can not. You may not see us talking, but we are, every play.  We are constantly thinking, communicating and pushing to out smart our opponents pitch by pitch, out by out and inning by inning.

So next time you’re sitting in the stands on a hot summer night, hot dog in hand and a baseball glove on the other, try to pay attention to the beautiful art and strategic game of chess that is taking place right before your eyes.